Fang

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Fang

Post by BlackOpal on Sat Jul 05, 2008 8:26 pm

This is a fluffy, unpublishable little piece of Maximum Ride fanfiction that I wrote. Just about how Fang got his name.
I don't know what I was thinking...

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He knew that she was watching him. He had been tossing and turning all night, and he must have been making a lot of noise. The others stayed asleep, they were exhausted. The whitecoats had kept them running all day, just to see if they could.
But he hadn't fallen unconscious the second that he hit the pillow, for some reason. And neither had she, apparently.
He turned, avoiding the bars of his cage, to face hers. She smiled softly at him. "What's wrong?"
He shifted uncomfortably. He didn't really feel like talking about it. "Nothing," he mumbled, "I'm just thinking."
"About what?" Well, wasn't she nosy?
"Stuff."
She growled in frustration. "I dunno why boys are always so thick," she said. Then she added, in a calmer voice, "Just tell me."
He sighed, then was quiet. Maybe she would drop it if he didn't say anything...
She didn't. Her eyes bore intently into his.
He groaned. "Fine, it's just..."
Would she stop staring already? It was making him nervous!
"I was thinking..."
"Yes, you said that," the girl replied.
"You're not helping!"
"Sorry, go on."
"I was just wondering why we don't have names and the other whitecoat guys do cuz they only every call us by numbers and stuff..." He spoke quickly and then trailed off. Blushing, he turned his head away in embarrassment.
She giggled. "Is that it? I worry about that all of the time. I mean, they all have names. There's Dr. Wright and Dr. Black and Jeb... howcome we don't get names?" Suddenly she looked upset. "I wanna name."
"Me too. I want all of them to go away. I bet if I had a name I could beat them."
"Yeah, maybe." She seemed doubtful. He felt silly under her gaze. Maybe he shouldn't have said anything.
"Or maybe if I had, like, claws, or rockets, or fangs or something!" That made him happy. "All we have is these dumb wings!"
"I like my wings," the girl replied, "but it would be nice if we had something that we could use to make them stop hurting us."
The boy nodded solemnly. "I wish that I had fangs. They would be so cool."
The girl's face lit up. "I have an idea!"
"You can get me fangs?" He was excited, that would be amazing.
"No, but I can get you something close! I can get you a name."
"How?" He didn't understand. How could she get him a name? According to television that was something that your parents give you, and he didn't have any parents.
"It's easy, I'll just make one up."
"Are you allowed to do that? Will the whitecoats let you?" He stared at her, perplexed. This little girl, barely older than him, could not do that. You needed power to make names, or so he'd heard.
"They don't matter, silly. It's just a word. They'll still call you Experiment number four!"
"Okay... well, then what's my name going to be?"
Her faced scrunched up as she pretended to think. She stroked her imaginary beard and and crossed his eyes. The boy giggled at that.
"I got it! You're new name will be..." She mimed waving a wand, and said, with flourish, "Fang!"
"Fang." He turned it over in his mouth, tasting it. Yes, this was it. This was his name. "I love it! I don't need fangs if I am Fang! You're brilliant."
She looked pleased with herself. "I know."
The boy (Fang) sighed contently. "I think that I'm going to go to sleep now."
"Me too, I guess."
"G'night."
"G'night Fang."


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Be harsh! It's not getting published.
This is when they're really young, around four or five. It's hard to get them in character since they don't really have character yet...
And it wasn't very eloquent. Fluff is nice enough, but it has to be well written.
So I scrapped it!
So you scrap it too!


I'll review if you review me. Very Happy
PM me if you'd like crit.

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Re: Fang

Post by carino on Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:36 pm

I...liked it?
It was cute. They were in character enough because....they're younger. You get to invent their character, pretty much.
It was an interesting thought, though. I never wondered much about the names.
"I love it! I don't need fangs if I am Fang! You're brilliant."

Love the logic.
Also, love Fang. Gah, Fang when he wasn't so closed off, when he was willing to tell Max things.
Fang when he was a bit less stubborn.
Y'know what else this reminds me of? (I'm on a roll, now) Abbot's logic. Human names=we can beat the humans.
Right, crits. Ummm...
But he hadn't fallen unconscious the second that he hit the pillow, for some reason. And neither had she, apparently.

Those sentences both read the same way, so they don't flow so way. Mix it up a bit?
And, for some reason, I think they seem a bit too innocent. Maybe not, I'm bad with young kids. But having a life like theirs....
"Or maybe if I had, like, claws, or rockets, or fangs or something!" That made him happy.

I suppose that totally works, but...I don't know. Something about that line...
I'm sorry. I'm being completely unhelpful.

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Re: Fang

Post by BlackOpal on Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:17 pm

Yeah, they probably are.
I don't know, it's hard. Because they wouldn't be isolates, not really. They get to interact a little and they are taught language, but their knowledge is extremely limited.
To some extent their life seemed normal for them, and terrible.
It was really hard to determine how they'd be at that age. They turned out normal-ish in the end, so I just opted for semi-normal, really scared children. It's hard to turn back the clock when it comes to personality development.
That's partially why I scrapped it. I'm not good enough to decide how they would act at that age.
Thanks for the crit!


I'll review if you review me. Very Happy
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Re: Fang

Post by carino on Sun Jul 06, 2008 6:27 pm

Put your amateur psychology skills to work!
It is incredibly hard to know.
And to know how they were treated....
Ugh. I'm just not sure.
It was a good piece, though!

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Re: Fang

Post by Moonlite Knight on Wed Jul 16, 2008 2:04 pm

I think it's really cute, I liked it alot! Fang does seems more open here, but since's he's much younger, I think it works. I don't see why you put it in the trash can, it's really good, but that's your choice. Anyway, good job with this!
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Re: Fang

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Jul 24, 2008 10:22 am

That's really cute. =3
I don't see why it's in the trash can, either; as I liked it.

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Re: Fang

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:10 am

Is it about humans?

Because I really liked it too!

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Re: Fang

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:18 am

It's based off Maximum Ride. =3
They're humans with wings that grew up in a lab.

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Re: Fang

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Sun Jul 27, 2008 8:21 am

Ah. Cool.

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