I don\'t care

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I don''t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 17, 2009 9:22 pm

You stare at me,
And I stare back.
You switch your gaze away,
I keep on staring-- silently daring you with my eyes.


You always said you cared,
And that you always would.
You always said you loved me,
And that you always would.


You make a move as to touch me,
But I recoil from your touch.
You don't want to listen to what I have to say.


You always said you cared,
But now I can see it was just a lie.
You always said you loved me,
But it doesn't matter anymore.


You stare at me again,
With that look on your face,
That one look.
The one that says you think I'm a loser,
That I'll never amount to anything.


I don't care if you cared,
It was just another lie.
I don't care if you say you love me,
I can't see it in your eyes.


Your words beg me to stay,
But your face tells me another story.
You reach out to hug me,
But I step backwards to avoid you.
You and all your lies.


I don't care if you don't care,
Because you never did.
I don't care if you can't love,
Because your heart is burned black as your soul.


You stare at me again,
With that pitying look on your face.
Like I'm some kind of hurt and crazed animal,
Like I'm a bomb ready to explode.


I don't care if you don't care,
I don't care.
I don't care if you don't love,
I don't care.


You still stare,
With that look still on your face.
You don't believe me when I say I'll be okay.
You don't believe me when I say I'm never coming back.


I don't care if you don't care,
It doesn't matter anymore.
I don't care if you don't love,
It doesn't matter anymore.


I turn my back on you,
Away from your stare and face.
Away from the life you made for me,
The one that I came to hate.


I don't care, I don't care.
I don't care if you don't care.
I don't care if you don't love.
I don't care. I don't care.


You scream after me,
Demanding that I come back.
I don't hear,
I don't even look back and wave.


I don't care.
I don't freaking care.
Say what you want to,
But I don't care.


You scream again:
"You should care!"

And I don't care.
I just don't care.


-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=--=-=-
/hums- That was fun for me to write, actually.
It's kinda like two poems that co-ordinate within eachother.
The italics gives the outside, while the right-sided lines give the thoughts, I guess. o:


Last edited by xStarr_x3 on Thu May 21, 2009 9:09 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by Hazel on Sun May 17, 2009 11:03 pm

Whoa that's awesome, I've never read a poem like that before, creative Razz
I like how they coordinated, it's neat

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 17, 2009 11:13 pm

Thanks choo, Hazel. ^^
I randomly had the idea.
Well, not really.
The second poem was going to be like, the chorus or something.
But near the end I was like, "It'd be cool if I made it a different poem.." x33

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She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by 2bAgen. on Mon May 18, 2009 4:02 pm

That was cool.

I liked it...


I have nothing more to say...

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Mon May 18, 2009 8:13 pm

Aha. x33
I likes it too.

Does anyone have any critique? Starr would like some. (:

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She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by Holleh on Mon May 18, 2009 8:42 pm

I told you that I luffed it, Starr. ^^
And, also like I told you before, I'm not good at giving critique.
So, sorry, I can't offer any meaningful advice~
But great job~! ^^
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed May 20, 2009 8:18 pm

Ahh well. Telling me it's good works, too. xDD

NOW, ANYONE ELSE?
CRITIQUE?
Starr likes this poem. She wants to make it better. :3

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by BPahl88 on Thu May 21, 2009 2:39 am

Great poem! The cordination was creative, I agree. Uhh... I do think it was too long. Just a tad. It was exectly 69 lines, 17 stanzas, and like, 3 regular-sized poems combined. It was just too much. It kinda bores the reader when it's too long, but it doesn't satify the reader when it's too short. You need the right amount. It's like when you go to a restraunt, you don't want too much food and be bloated, but you don't want to little food and be famished. So yeah, you need the right amount of length.

But I do like the poem alot. I haven't seen a poem like this form you before.... Smile

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by Hazel on Thu May 21, 2009 6:44 am

Well since your dying for some crit Razz the one thing I kinda noticed was how repetitive it was....I get that it's trying to get a point across but sometimes it's easy to lose interest when the same thing is being repeated too many times.
I still think it's great though Razz

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by Holleh on Thu May 21, 2009 7:37 pm

Um, length doesn't make how good the poem is, and the concept of if it's 'too short' or 'too long' depends on the person. Myself, I thought it was perfect; I kinda wish it was longer because it was really, really good. Length depends on the person; some people just don't have the attention span to appreciate a longer poem, and some have a larger attention span and fail to admire the short poems. Me, I can get bored with longer writings, however, if the writing is good enough, I will be obliged to read the whole thing.

And Hazel, the repetition does have a point, as you had said in your post; however, it's not TRYING to get a point across, it does get a point across. Usually, for most people, repetition does get boring, however, it seems essential in this particular piece.

All in all, I think it flows well and the reader can receive the message clearly. It should be published, in my opinion~

By the way, not trying to argue with people; I just like to debate, especially in the literature department.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Thu May 21, 2009 7:52 pm

Hm...

It seems to me that both parts, italics and regular, are just from one person's point of view. As in, their own thoughts.

The italics show that the other person is desperate and your response is rejecting them.

It was well-written. The repetition got your point across, as in you don't care to put it simply.

The length of it just adds on to the desperation of the other and the rejecting. It flows into desperation and weakness into rejecting and strong-willed.

The desperation seems more like a short story and the regular seems more like you've read over it and added what you felt.

With that look on your face.
That freaking look,
The one that says you think I'm a loser

I think you should change that. To me, it corrupts the flow right in that stanza. Every stanza but that has a nice ring and makes it sound more proper. Or at the very least, less violent in some way.

And if you disagree, tell me. I really don't mind. Just don't try to bite my head off or anything.

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by BPahl88 on Thu May 21, 2009 8:40 pm

Holleh, please. That was our OPINIONS. We can say what we want to say about it. I think it's too long. She thinks it's repetitive. (Actually, she makes a point, I think so too...) Anyways, we were just trying to help by giving our views of the poem. That's all. Smile


Some more critic adding on to HS7...

The "freakin" thing went a bit overboard for me too. Just saying.

Yeah. That's all. Smile
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Thu May 21, 2009 8:42 pm

XD

Wait, adding on to what I was saying? 'Cause if that was what it was, I already said that. XD

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by BPahl88 on Thu May 21, 2009 8:43 pm

Never mind...
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu May 21, 2009 8:53 pm

xDD Thank yous!~

If I were to change the "that freakin' look" part..
What should I change it to? Or maybe I should just be rid of it altogether?

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Thu May 21, 2009 8:55 pm

Hm...

No... Don't get ride of it...

Change it to something like....

That desperate look...

That horrifying look....

That pleading look...

That clinging look...

You know?

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu May 21, 2009 9:02 pm

You stare at me again,
With that look on your face.
That {desperate, horrifying, pleading, clinging} look,
The one that says you think I'm a loser,
That I'll never amount to anything.

Maybe no adjetive..
"With that look on your face,
That one look.
The one that says you think I'm a loser,
That I'll never amount to anything."

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Thu May 21, 2009 9:02 pm

Mm...

That's good. ^^

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu May 21, 2009 9:07 pm

Okay, I'll change it. o:

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Thu May 21, 2009 9:09 pm

Okay~!

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by Holleh on Fri May 22, 2009 12:23 am

BP, I was merely giving my opinions on your opinions. -.-
Honestly, length does have nothing to do with most written pieces, and the repetition was there for a reason.
It's called debate; my goodness, everyone here needs to lighten up.
Sheesh.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 22, 2009 1:44 am

Holleh, it's not that big of a deal.
BP, see abouve.
Just drop it.
I don't need an arguement caused by a poem I wrote. .-.

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Fri May 22, 2009 1:58 am

XD

True...

That wouldn't be very good, right?

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Re: I don\'t care

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 22, 2009 2:18 am

No, nope. (x
Atleast, I don't think so. =/
And then if they did fight, I'd feel bad. 'Cause I'd feel like I technically started it...

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: I don\'t care

Post by HS7 on Fri May 22, 2009 2:32 am

XD

I know. No one wants that to happen.

So, no more fights or debates or anything that leads to a fight, okay?

We don't want this place to be over-run by some annoying people who just fight just because they see it here.

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