Our Goodbye's

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Our Goodbye's

Post by Moonlite Squire on Thu Mar 12, 2009 5:13 am

Hey guys Smile My friend wrote this poem, ut she can't post it since she doesn't have a computer. So I posted it for her. Please tell me what you really think about it so I can tell her. Very Happy


Pain that lances in my heart,
and all it does is tear apart,
the soul Ive struggled hard to make,
its soo much more than I can take.
Words that cut through me like knives,
I cannot breathe.
I cannot fight,
I stick the barrel in my mouth,
I feel this should be my way out.
Saying goodbye isnt easy,
the entire bodys freezing,
I love you,
please dont go,
lets say our goodbyes together.

-L.V.


Last edited by Moonlite Squire on Sat Mar 14, 2009 6:01 am; edited 2 times in total

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Moonlite Knight on Fri Mar 13, 2009 4:29 am

That's really good! I really liked the first two lines.
Only crit:
"the soul Ive struggled hard to make,
able to pass off as okay. "
That part, the rythm is sort of off.
Other than that, great job Smile

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Hazel on Sat Mar 21, 2009 8:04 pm

Really good. I like the rhyming. Razz

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Moonlite Squire on Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:14 pm

Moonlite Knight wrote:That's really good! I really liked the first two lines.
Only crit:
"the soul Ive struggled hard to make,
able to pass off as okay. "
That part, the rythm is sort of off.
Other than that, great job Smile

This is what she said:
Thank you very much, its like you read my mind. I changed it, as remarkable as it may seem, and I hope its okay. I'm being very humble about this whole Posting-it-on-the-internet-thing. Be assured, you have fixed a poem for a budding writer. Thanks again!

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Moonlite Squire on Mon Apr 20, 2009 2:16 pm

She said THANK YOU EVERYONE!!

Its funny how some how we were expecting more comments on this.. xD

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Lizzluff on Mon Apr 20, 2009 3:39 pm

Woaahhh, great job! Seriously! The rhythm is very nice, and the words are strong.

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Re: Our Goodbye's

Post by Holleh on Mon Apr 20, 2009 7:25 pm

I like it. ^^
Awesome job.~

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