Untitled As of Now

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Untitled As of Now

Post by BPahl88 on Tue Nov 04, 2008 4:46 pm

Just a story I made. And I'm sorry about the spacing. It won't let me indent. So I'll just use the middle thing that Ritsuka uses, even though I hate the looks of it.

Hope you enjoy it! Very Happy

______________________________________________________________________________________________________
Chapter 1 Part 1


The bus stopped right in front of my house. I was walking down the aisle of the bus, starring at everyone along the way, people I knew, people I didn’t know. My backpack was empty, resting on my shoulder and feeling like a feather. I had a report card in my right hand, and a nothing in the other hand. I was walking out of the bus when I realized that something tugged on my shirt.
“Hey kid. You forgot this.”
The bus driver handed me a piece of candy. Chocolate, actually. But I refused it. I didn’t want it. Nothing could cheer me up. I handed it back to him.
“You sure?”
I nodded. I didn’t even like chocolate. And with that, I stepped out of the bus, and turned around. The bus door screeched to a close and I stared at all those happy kids, getting straight A’s and B’s, while I will be laying in my room, crying myself to sleep, because of my grades. Every single report card is a failure. Every quarter, every year.
The bus went away, leaving me starring into the sky, wondering what will happen to me at home. Home. Just about 20 feet away. Home. Where I live, and yet, die from emotions. Home. Where I tell my parents about my straight D’s and F’s. I’m lucky to get a ‘C’ every now and then. But that has only happened twice. Twice, in my life.
I slowly walked toward my house, but better yet, my death trap. When I got to the back door, I slowly opened it, and stepped inside. I turned around and closed it. And my mom came from the living room.
“So, how was your last day of school?”
“Good.” I lied. I never like school when I get my report card. I like it otherwise. But I’m so darn bad at it. I have more of a creative mind. Stupid school.
“Is that your report card?”
I sighed. “Yes.”
“Oh great! Let me see it? How did you do?”
I handed it to her, and ran to my room. And got in and slammed the door and locked it. I suddenly busted out in tears and cried into my pillow. I heard a loud yell and cried even louder. I heard stopping on the stairs and prepared myself for another killing.


____________________________________________________________________________________________________
avatar
BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 21
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Tue Nov 04, 2008 6:57 pm

Aw, poor kid! Whats his name?

_________________
xXR I T S U K A -Of- L O V E L E S SXx


http://roleplayanime.forumotion.net/index.htm
Writer from heart, Artist by heart, Lover with heart
avatar
RitsukaofLoveless
Moderator

Male
Number of posts : 933
Age : 23
Points :
10 / 10010 / 100

Points 2.0 : 9
Registration date : 2008-07-26

View user profile http://2bagen.myminicity.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by BPahl88 on Tue Nov 04, 2008 8:53 pm

Well... ya see... I really don't know. And I was going to ask someone in the chatbox the next time I'm talking to someone. I'll ask him/her "Van you give me a random name from you class?"

Yeah. I'm not good with picking out names.
avatar
BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 21
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by Dark Princess on Tue Nov 04, 2008 9:42 pm

Andrew?
avatar
Dark Princess
Elite Writer

Female
Number of posts : 793
Age : 22
Points :
10 / 10010 / 100

Points 2.0 : 101
Registration date : 2008-03-27

View user profile http://darkenednights.forumandco.com/forum.htm

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by BPahl88 on Tue Nov 04, 2008 9:47 pm

Hmm... maybe...
avatar
BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 21
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Tue Nov 04, 2008 11:01 pm

Vlad? Luke? Nel? Ryan? Cody? Brian? Leon?

_________________
xXR I T S U K A -Of- L O V E L E S SXx


http://roleplayanime.forumotion.net/index.htm
Writer from heart, Artist by heart, Lover with heart
avatar
RitsukaofLoveless
Moderator

Male
Number of posts : 933
Age : 23
Points :
10 / 10010 / 100

Points 2.0 : 9
Registration date : 2008-07-26

View user profile http://2bagen.myminicity.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by BPahl88 on Tue Nov 04, 2008 11:29 pm

Okay. I think I havea name. Smile
avatar
BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 21
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by BPahl88 on Wed Nov 05, 2008 1:10 am

She pounded on the door. I hid my head under the pillow.
“WHAT IN THE WORLD IS WRONG WITH YOU!?!?!? CAN’T YOU EVER DO GOOD!?!? YOU ARE GROUNDED FOR THE ENTIRE SUMMER!!!!”
She slipped the report card and stopped down the stairs. I cried out load, and didn’t care. What else would you do? Throw a party? I don’t think so.
After crying for about a half an hour, I went to sleep. I had a headache, my grades are way below average, and your pretty much hated by your mother. So falling asleep is your only option really. Of course, I’ll be crying even more when dad gets home. So? I don’t care. I deserve it. And, I’m grounded for the whole summer. The entire summer vacation. Can life get worse? I predict that it can not.

***********************

I awoke. It was dark outside now. So I must’ve been asleep for several hours. I turned on the lamp and saw the report card. Picking it up, I reread it. It said:






Patrick, Sherman, Neil – Mrs. Crates Class --Grade 7 – Shamrock Middle School


Language Arts – 59 Teacher Comments: Acts up in class and very poor student.

Pre Algebra – 65 Teacher Comments: Poor student and slacker.

Science – 70 Teacher Comments: Does not complete everything, behavior unacceptable.

Social Studies – 59 Teacher Comments: Acts up and very poor and misleading student.

Reading – 63 Teacher Comments: Poor student and test scored are failure.


I sighed. This happens every time. What’s the difference. I walked toward my door and turned the knob. But it wouldn’t open. The door wouldn’t open! I was in shock! I forcefully turned the knob back and forth, but nothing. I knew what my mom did. Reverse the knob. She reversed it so that the lock was facing out of my room, so I couldn’t look it. Oh man. I hate her.
I looked around my room. I looked for a key. I looked for a paper clip. I looked for anything. But no. Nothing. My stomach growled. And now I’m hungry? Boy, of all the times I’m starving, this is one of those times. I had to get food. I was really rally hungry. And the only way, the only way to get it was to call. To call for food.
“Mom?” I yelled. “Can you please let me out? I’m starving. Please?”
She was walking up the stairs. I could tell. Then, she unlocked the door, opened it, and said, “Make your own. I’m not making anything tonight.”
She walked back downstairs into the living room, where as she was watching television. I sneaked by her and went into the kitchen. I opened the freezer and got out a TV dinner. It was just chicken nuggets, but anything would do the trick. I opened the box, read the directions, and cooked it. After I ate, I walked back to my room. I made sure that the lock was unlocked, and closed the door behind me.
It was getting even later, and I climbed into bed, without putting on any pajamas. I thought to myself, “I need to change. I really need to change. Ya know what? I will. I will study hard over the summer. I will do this. I WILL succeed next year.” And with that thought in my mind, I went to sleep, went to sleep excited about tomorrow. Tomorrow, a new day. Tomorrow, a new life.


________________________________________________________________________________________

Sorry for some things such as not being able to put a box around the report card. I can on Word, but not on here. Very Happy
avatar
BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 21
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Wed Nov 05, 2008 11:04 am

Cool name. Good story, but give a bit more de- you know what, never mind. Usually when I tell people to put in more detail, they throw it in once and leave it, going back to old habits. So, just keep doing what you're doing!

_________________
xXR I T S U K A -Of- L O V E L E S SXx


http://roleplayanime.forumotion.net/index.htm
Writer from heart, Artist by heart, Lover with heart
avatar
RitsukaofLoveless
Moderator

Male
Number of posts : 933
Age : 23
Points :
10 / 10010 / 100

Points 2.0 : 9
Registration date : 2008-07-26

View user profile http://2bagen.myminicity.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by Sirch Hanom on Sat May 30, 2009 5:24 am

I suggest writin' your stories on Word, then pastin' 'em on 'ere. Less spelling errors that way; makes it much easier. Things like "Staring" and "Starring" can get by the spell checker, though.
Autobiographical, I guess? I'll bet my left shoe. It's hard to criticize an autobiographical work without partly insulting the author, since they usually play the main char. Oh, well.
"Where I live, and yet, die from emotions.."
A wee bit blatant? Ya don't need to say stuff like that; the reader will draw that conclusion from the course of the story.
"What else would you do? Throw a party? I don’t think so.
After crying for about a half an hour, I went to sleep. I had a headache, my grades are way below average, and your pretty much hated by your mother. So falling asleep is your only option really. Of course, I’ll be crying even more when dad gets home. So? I don’t care. I deserve it. And, I’m grounded for the whole summer. The entire summer vacation. Can life get worse? I predict that it can not."
Also not that subtle. A good idea would be to shift the point of view from 1st to third person, and make this whole thing 'ere a series of thoughts. It sounds less like a rant and more like a trapped kid mulling their options.
On the whole, I don't like stories that are just grabbed from real life. There's not enough imagination, usually, and the story becomes a general 'woe-is-me' affair instead of a storyteller recounting a tragedy based off of their life. It's attractive to unload your troubles in a story, but the place for that is a diary.
If you want to make a story, you have to be a little more creative; alter the main character's personality, add people that don't really exist, make a fantasy that centers around your real life experience.
Of course, this is all assuming this is based off of your life. If it isn't, disregard all of this.
Either way, nice ending part so far. Redemption!
avatar
Sirch Hanom
Learned Writer

Male
Number of posts : 44
Points :
0 / 1000 / 100

Points 2.0 : 54
Registration date : 2009-05-28

View user profile http://assassinsforcheap.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Untitled As of Now

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum