I love her

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I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Thu Oct 23, 2008 9:41 pm

I worte this cause all the other stories I have written hate me and force me to have writters block >.<

Her crimson lips shot a dagger through my heart. “I can’t do this;” I thought to myself “I can’t betray here like this.” How I longed for all the problems to disappear.
But that’s not how it works in the Mafia. If you are asked to expose someone, get rid of them or kill them; you do it. No questions asked. But I should be use to this, I was born into the Mafia and I have been a member since I was old enough to grasp the concept of killing someone.
The reason I couldn’t do it was because there is something different about this girl; I loved her, and I wouldn’t do anything to hurt her. How come I was the one chosen to take her out? God must hate me.


-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*


I was walking home from work when a tall muscular man pulled me into the shadows, “What the-” I exclaimed
“Don’t talk just listen, we need you to get rid of Mara Tack,,” I went silent, clinching my fists, “she knows too much about us” the mans eyes were cold; but I knew I couldn’t refuse, even if I wanted to “I understand” I told him through gritted teeth.
“Good; get it done in the next 48 hours” the man let go of my fore arm and disappeared into the shadows.


-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-


I walked sluggishly to my apartment; I couldn’t stop think about Mara. I needed to find a way to save her. But it seemed impossible; the Mafia has eyes and ears everywhere. “I can’t stand this constant torture!” I yelled out breaking the silence in my apartment.
I grabbed my cell phone and dialed Mara’s number. It rang, rang again, and rang again. Then finally she picked up “Hello” her voice almost lulled me to sleep, “You there, Mike?” she asked
“Ya I’m here” I whispered into the phone
“Mike, what’s wrong? You’re scaring me” I could tell she was about to cry
“Everything’s alright babe, I promise”
The line was silent for a while, and then she spoke in the same sweet voice I love, “If you need anything, just tell me”
“Okay” I hung up the phone; I couldn’t stand to hear her like that; I knew she would start crying any second. “Life is to hard” I whispered laying down on my leather couch; “Why me?” I managed to say before I fell asleep.

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Re: I love her

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Thu Oct 23, 2008 10:17 pm

*smiles*

Awesome! This rocks!

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Re: I love her

Post by Dark Princess on Thu Oct 23, 2008 10:50 pm

Brava.
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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Fri Oct 24, 2008 6:31 pm

3 hours later I woke up in a cold sweat. My dream was about me killing Mara. I was killing her! That dream is going to haunt me for life.
I got up and went to the mirror. My eyes were blood shot and I have bags under my eyes, “Wow” I thought. I went to the kitchen. “Why is my front door open?” I walked over to the door and saw that it was kicked in. I walked silently to the small desk next to the couch; I got my 9 millimeter out. Cocking it, I walked around my apartment turning every corner with caution. In the office I saw a small package sitting on top of my desk, “What the hell?” The box had a small letter lying next to it. I opened it to see it was from Kramer, the leader of the New York Mafia; the letter read:

Here are some tools that might help you with your assignment,
Kramer


“Of course” I thought as I opened the box. The contents sent shivers down my spine, “A noose, at least 50 knifes, and a MP40!!” I shrieked breaking the silence again, “They really want her gone!” Chills went through my entire body as I picked up the box and put it away in the closet.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

“Mike?” a sweet voice called from the living room.
“Ya, I’m in here” I yelled back. Mara walked into the office, she immediately looked at my hand that was holding the 9 mil; she took a few steps back.
“Why do you have that?” she asked, her voice was filled with panic.
“I saw my door opened and I got it to check my house; just to be safe”
She stared at me with cold eyes, “Was it them again?”
I nodded.
“What do they want you to do now?” she asked. I knew I couldn’t keep this a secret from her anymore.
“They want me to-” tears filled my eyes blurring my vision “to take you out”
Mara stared at me with disbelief, then her eyes rolled back and she fainted; she smashed her head against the corner of a small table next to my office door.

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Re: I love her

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Fri Oct 24, 2008 7:21 pm

OH S#@%!

that is awesome!!! dude, what do they look like??

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Re: I love her

Post by Hazel on Sat Oct 25, 2008 6:42 pm

I agree, super good Very Happy

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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Tue Oct 28, 2008 6:17 pm

“Peter, did you deliver the package?” Kramer asked the tall man that walked into the warehouse.
“Yes sir” Peter said in stern tone, “But he almost caught me”
Kramer smashed his fists on a desk “I thought you said you could get in and get out without him knowing who you are!!” Kramer yelled.
“Sir, I assure you that he didn’t see me” Peter said trying to protect himself “He was in the bathroom when I left”
Kramer pulled a silenced pistol from the lining of his jacket “How do I know I can trust you?” The gun fired, sending the tall man to the floor, “Get rid of him” Kramer snapped.

-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

I went to the kitchen and got a bag and filled it with ice. I put the ice on Mara’s head, there was a bruise already forming. Walking to my room I stopped to look in the mirror, my black hair was a mess, and so were my clothes. I took off my shirt revealing scars on my chest. “I really need to get rid of these” I laughed walking over to my bed.
I laid down on the bed focusing on the ceiling fan, “Lets see, I got the assignment at 8:30, and its about 12:45 now, so I have about 44 hours till they really get pissed off at me” I thought to myself. Hearing a small moan I got up thinking Mara was waking up, but the small moan turned to a scream of terror, “No! No! I’ll do anything!” she yelled from the next room. I ran into the living room expecting anything; but she was just lying in the same position I left her in. I kneeled down next to her stroking her auburn hair “Everything will be alright” I whispered in her ear. She awoke up grabbing my arm as if I was trying to hurt her “Its okay Mara” her eyes filled with tears then she berried her face into my chest “I’m scared Mike” she whispered.
“I know, but I’ll take care of you remember that” I comforted.

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Re: I love her

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Thu Oct 30, 2008 10:23 pm

Aw! I love it!

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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Fri Oct 31, 2008 6:25 pm

Ha! Thank you..

But I'm trying to figure out how to show you what they look like.. All i've told you was their hair color and that Mike has scars on his chest! Gah!! I wish writing was easier..

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Re: I love her

Post by Dark Princess on Sat Nov 01, 2008 10:55 pm

Don't most people?
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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Mon Nov 03, 2008 7:11 pm

Yes..

lol

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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Tue Nov 11, 2008 11:12 pm

“How many hours left John?” Kramer asked one of his ‘business associates’.
“It’s about 3:30 am so about 41 hours” replied John, who was extremely muscular and tall.
“Good, I can’t wait to her head on a platter” Kramer laughed “Lets give Mike a call; I hope I’m not waking him up” Kramer picked up the phone and dialed Mike’s cell phone number “Hello?” Mike answered in a sleepy voice
“Hello Mike” Kramer’s voice sent shivers down Mike’s spine
“Hello sir”
“Mike, do you know why I’m calling?”
“Yes sir” Mike looked into his bed room where Mara was sleeping, “I’m working on it” he replied through gritted teeth.
“I’m proud of you” Kramer laughed “I knew I pick my best guy wisely” the line went dead.

*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-*-

It was about 9:30 am; Mara just woke up. She was sitting at the kitchen table sipping coffee from a 57’ Chevy mug, “How’d you sleep?” I asked her
“Horrible” she whispered. I sat down across the table from her; she looked as if she hadn’t slept in days. I drank what was left in my glass and got up; I walked next to her and kissed her cheek “I’ll protect you” I whispered in her ear “I’m going to go some where”
Mara stood up and looked me in the eyes “I’ll come with you”
“No.” I answered her sternly “If you come, you’ll be dead once you step on the property” she leaned forward and kissed me, her soft lips comforted me, “stay here, and stay low. I will be back in a few hours”

I walked into the warehouse and was greeted my two of my buddies Sam and John “Hey,” I smiled “Is Kramer here?” I asked
“I’m right here Mike” a voice called from an office door.
I walked into the office and saw the number one man on Americas Most Wanted list relaxing in a chair “Have you finished the job” he smiled
“No. But that’s why I’m here” Kramer motioned for me to sit in one of the chairs
“Talk” he instructed

“I don’t know if I can finish the job” I told him bluntly
“This is a shock,” Kramer sat up and twisted around so he was facing me “Why?”
“I was planning on proposing to Mara” I clinched my fists “I can’t kill the one I love” Kramer’s face had a blank expression; his eyes were cold and heartless, “So, you chose your life long family for some girl?!” he asked, by the time he finished the sentence he was yelling. I hesitated to answer him, knowing the wrong answer could cost me my life “Sir, with all due respect, I want you to reconsider on your decision on killing her” Kramer’s heartless stare didn’t subside, “Let me tell you this” his voice was calmer now “You can do the job; or I can kill you and get someone else to kill her.” I didn’t like either of his suggestions, unconsciously I clinched my fist and was about to cost me my life “Understood” I whispered turning my back to walk out the door.
“In retrospect I’m doing you a favor” he laughed as I slammed the door.

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Re: I love her

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Tue Nov 11, 2008 11:27 pm

Awesome! Family or the girl!!! I'd choose the girl, but that's just me lol. Cool, BH!

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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Tue Nov 25, 2008 7:25 pm

So..

My computer at home is being really retarded!!

And I have 3 chapters to post on here and now I can't do so..

AHHH

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Re: I love her

Post by Dark Princess on Wed Nov 26, 2008 12:39 am

Calm down BH.
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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Fri Nov 28, 2008 4:47 am

i'll try but its making me so mad..

i cant write anything

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Re: I love her

Post by Broken Heart on Thu Jan 08, 2009 9:30 pm

I arrived back at the apartment to see that Mara was waiting for me; her eyes were still blood shot, but I expected that. I walked over to her and put my arms around her; she cradled into my arms and started to sob, “Baby, everything will be fine,” I tried to comfort her, but I knew it wasn’t going to work. “Mike, how can you be so sure?” she gasped.
I took her head into my hands and wiped her face, “Mara,” she looked into my eyes “I will never let anything happen to you,” I knew I was repeating myself; but who cares. Mara was my world, and if something would happen to her, I would go crazy! I wouldn’t rest till the killers were in the grave.
“Mike, is there anyway you can get them to stop?”
I sighed. I knew there was no way I was going to get past this question, “Mara, the mafia wont stop till the person they put a hit on is gone. Trust me. I’ve been doing this for years.” Mara’s eyes dried up quickly.
“Years; how many people have you killed?!”
“I don’t know, I-”
“YOU DON”T KNOW?!” she stood up and started backing away from me “You’ve killed innocent people. And you don’t know how many you’ve killed? How can you live with yourself? Knowing that someone is missing a family member! How could you!”
“Mara, you said you were fine with this,” I stood up and took two steps closer to her.
“Don’t come close to me! Now I know what it feels like to be the person that’s going to be killed.”
“Mara, I won’t let them touch you.” My voice was stern and smooth, she knew I wasn’t lying. She was still backing up till she hit the wall. “Mike-” her voice was shaky, I could tell she was about to cry, “Just leave me alone for a while.”
I nodded and walked out of the room.

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Re: I love her

Post by Sirch Hanom on Fri May 29, 2009 3:54 am

One thing the Mafia has mastered is subtlety; this story does not speak of dark boardrooms and secrecy, or inspire the fear and reverence one would expect from a Cosanostra story, or possess the nuances of the Family.
Ah, tragic irony! The Sophie's Choice for snuff-filmmakers. But some suggestions on this theme.
1. We realize that this guy doesn't want to kill his girlfriend. WHile it is good to show his tortured mind, subtlety! Instead of saying to himself "I really don't want to kill my love!", what about saying "He sat on the couch, staring at the wall. His face was blank, eyes glazed. He tried not to think about it. Anything...just not that."
"I can't stand this torture!" goes over the top.
2. The Mafia boss seems like a cardboard cutout o' every other evil kingpin: Stops at nothing to get what he wants, doesn't care about killing subordinates, sees people as expendable. WHat you need is some originality. Make him quieter, slyer, violently angry, falsely sunny, anything. Make the reader hate this bugger.
3. Tragic hero. A Mafia tough. What is he like? So far, all we know is that he loves this girl, but even his love seems card-boardy. You could show some examples of his love for her, but not lying awake watching her sleep. Think of some really touching stuff, even think of your own fantasies. Take some time on this guy. Is he angry, cold, efficient, demure, austere, emotional, what? A 'normal' guy is not fun to read. We see too much normality in real life.
4. You got the chance for some serious drama here. The confrontation with the boss could be more arresting. Instead of just saying' "I love her!" you could have the boss ask which is mroe important, family or girl, and him simply say 'The girl." and slam the door, etc. Subtlety!
Afterthought: I don't think ye olde Mafia would risk sending multiple murder weapons to a hitman; he would probably be in charge of finding and disposing of his own weapons. A noose would not be conventional for the Mafia, unless they wanted publicity. THe silenced pistol would be more appropriate; the old Mafia movies are pumped up with scenes of machine gun massacres, but in real life, they would be more discreet. Just a suggestion.
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