The Vampires

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The Vampires

Post by Broken Heart on Sat Oct 11, 2008 8:19 pm

Mmk. I re-wrote it as best as I could. I like it better this way. Tell me what you think =P

Samantha Carven is a 16 year old vampire living amongst humans in New York City. She’s been a vampire for over 700 years. So she knows how to keep a secret. She was changed in 1309 when her family was attacked by King Philip the IV’s men; she was the only survivor in her family of 6. A man came into the house and changed Sam before she died of blood loss. That’s all she remembers.

Chapter 1
I looked down at all the humans walking around the street. They had no idea what was coming for them. I licked my lips and examined the length of the jump I was about to make, its only about 50 feet, I thought; leaning off the edge of the building I allowed myself to fall.

I raised my arms above my hips in order to slow myself down; my black jacket was trailing behind me making a clapping sound as the fabric hit the wall. I hate landings, I thought as my converse hit the ground making a loud crack against the pavement. I looked around to see if I had drawn attention to myself. The pathetic mortals were keeping to themselves and watching where they were walking.

It’s about 8 pm, in the Big Apple. Adults are headed home for the weekend; and teenagers are coming out to enjoy the night life. As for me, I was leaning against the wall looking for the perfect meal. And there it was. Walking by himself, head down and listening to his iPod. He walked by me, his scent sent my senses on an acid trip. I couldn’t resist. I followed.
He was a skinny one for his age, he had to be about 16. He was wearing navy blue skinny jeans and a dark purple shirt and he had black and purple Vans on. His black hair hung in his face to conceal his eyes.

His head lifted and he looked over his shoulder at me. I looked casually away. He stopped and spun around. I didn’t see this. I ran into him; the feel of his skin under my hands was intoxicating. I went on a trip that I couldn’t recover from.

I threw him on my back and took off running faster than any car driving by, faster than anyone could see. I ran towards the park. It was the only place I could think of. There were patches of trees that I could go into and suck this human dry. The boy was quiet, his body moved so it was a perfect match into mine. I felt a connection between us. But that feeling would pass. Eventually.

I got to the park as fast as I could. I threw the boy off my back and at a tree. He sat down, his knees curled under his chin. His face was illuminated from the moon. His eyes showed pain, but his face was cold and hard. What’s going on! I can’t kill him! I screamed in my head. There was something holding me back; an unseen force that was keeping me from my meal.

I walked slowly towards him. I leaned down next to his ear. He didn’t move, not even a flinch. “What’s your name?” I whispered in a horse voice.

“Why the hell do you care?! You’re going to kill me anyway!” I wasn’t expecting that. I was expecting terror in his voice. But it was bold and steady.

“I’m not going to kill you” I laughed, “I’m just curious”

He snorted and turned his head towards me, “I see you all around the city. You’re always taking people places and never bringing them back,” I flinched, “I know what you are.”

I was gasping for air I didn’t need, “You follow me?”

He smiled, the moon reflected off his teeth, “Not exactly, I observe more-,” he stopped and stood up “Wait! Why am I telling you this! You don’t need to know!!” he started pacing.

I was flabbergasted. I didn’t know what to expect from him. He walked towards me, reached out his hand. I jumped into the tree and let a low hiss slide through my throat. He laughed. “I’m not afraid of you.” He snickered. I jumped down next to him let my fangs brush against his neck. HOW AM I DOING THIS!?!? I yelled in my head. I grabbed him by the neck and lifted him against the tree. He was about 3 feet in the air. I was clinching my hands tighter and tighter. Killing him this way might give me the right motivation to have dinner. I smiled wickedly. His face was turning red and I could see the struggle and fear spreading across his face. I had won.


Last edited by Broken Heart on Thu Jun 25, 2009 12:44 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: The Vampires

Post by Dark Princess on Sat Oct 11, 2008 11:10 pm

*finishes reading and is shivering with delight.*

Awsome.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by Sirch Hanom on Fri May 29, 2009 4:37 am

Add something. Something special. So far you got..
1. Vampires. Not a magic herb that makes every story automatically great. Be careful; hackneys abound with the possibilites of the next chapter.
2. Romance. Make it special, unique, gripping, or it falls down the shute with the rest of the paperbacks.
3. Tragedy. Guy somehow sacrificed self for girlfriend. I think he'll somehow find the heroine Sam more desirable. Hunch...the tragedy may be lost by his ditching her for new vampire vixen.
If you haven't heard my whole rant about vampire love stories, dang. I'm not gonna repeat it. Basically, make this story original. So far, there's no real hook besides the reader wondering what happened to this guy's girlfriend, and that had better be really heart-wrenchingly sad and special.
I can almost see Sam's chibi gettin' floored by this guy's retort, but the moment is lost; I don't like Sam's character. She seems arrogant and immature. Perhaps this is Sam as she's meant to be? All the 'mortal' comments are getting on my nerves.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Fri May 29, 2009 10:56 am

Yes. Very suspenseful and I agree with Hanom; two thumbs up for originality. Sam's character does bother me though. It's a total turn-off when somebody acts like that. It makes the reader roll their eyes and put the book down. They need to be absorbed in the story line as this character goes through a dynamic episode and becomes more noble or into the idea of the plot.

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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 29, 2009 6:42 pm

It seems everything that needs to be said has already been said. o:

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Re: The Vampires

Post by HS7 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:01 pm

Too true.


Before you know it, this guy will be helping everyone with their stories, his post splattered across the WC section.

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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:02 pm

I know. xDD
I'm actually afraid to post this story I have open right now, because I'm afraid of what he will say about it. p:
Actually, not so much afraid, just unsure if I should even post it or not.
Hn.

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by HS7 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:04 pm

XD

Post it~!

I'll beat him to replying first~!

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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:05 pm

Okay.~

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by HS7 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:06 pm

Yay~!

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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri May 29, 2009 7:07 pm

Posted it.~

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by Sirch Hanom on Sat May 30, 2009 4:23 am

Constant fear is not somethin' I wanted.
I want to help people work on stuff that needs workin' on. I don't give out compliments unless I really mean them. If my comments are more hurtful than helpful, say so. When I get criticized, I want to get constructive stuff, not 'Dang, this is awesome. Keep on keepin' on.'
Sorry for kind of jacking your topic for this, Broken Heart. I just wanted to say something to Starr and people who feel the same way about postin' shibaggen...
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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 31, 2009 8:26 pm

Your comments are helpful, you just tend to be a bit... blunt, to be honest.
It's in some people's natures to defend thier work, and by pointing out flaws and such that you see, it just drives them to the defense.
Or maybe that's just me.. Ehr. xD
In your critisim of my story, Peripheral Vision, I had to stop myself before I replied and tell myself to think about it, that the comment is meant to help me improve as a writer and the story if I chose to. It was still hard not to type up a reply argueing right back with you against the points you made, which were (are?) true, if I let myself admit it.


Last edited by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 31, 2009 8:42 pm; edited 2 times in total

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: The Vampires

Post by HS7 on Sun May 31, 2009 8:30 pm

XD

It's their nature. Especially if they are stubborn. ^^

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Re: The Vampires

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 31, 2009 11:48 pm

xD
Even when I ask for critism on stuff, I have to remind myself that they're not attacking/flaming me, they're just trying to help me because I asked them to.

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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xStarr_x3
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Re: The Vampires

Post by Hazel on Mon Jun 01, 2009 1:32 am

For me it depends on how the criticism is presented. I only get defensive if someone tells me my work is stupid, or hopeless, and I may as well just throw it away...without backing it up...

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Re: The Vampires

Post by Broken Heart on Wed Jun 24, 2009 12:58 pm

Hehe.. I don't mind =)

Anyways. I'm re-writting this. 'Cause I reread it and Sam get annoying lol.
I have to get home first.

I will post it was soon as I have it ready =)

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Re: The Vampires

Post by Aura on Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:58 pm

Good hook but where did she originate from to get to new York?
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