Rosalyn's Life

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Rosalyn's Life

Post by Writer_girl_09 on Mon Mar 17, 2008 8:53 pm

I thought of this before, when I was trying to fall asleep. I'm going to try and publish it, if it's possible. Anyway, to the story!

Intro: Rosalyn’s New School
Rosalyn Laurie Twister had just moved from Tennessee to Chicago. Her blonde waist-length hair waved in the breeze and her deep, brown eyes watched the clouds float by above her. It was recess at her new school. Nobody had talked to her since she got to school; she was nervous nobody liked her. But then a girl with red shoulder-length hair and blue eyes wandered over to her and smiled.

“Hi, I’m Ana. You’re the new girl, right?”

Rosalyn nodded and brushed her hair out of her eyes. “I’m Rosalyn. Nice to meet you, Ana.”

“Has anybody talked to you yet?” Ana asked curiously. “You’ve been alone all day.”

“No, you’re the first to talk to me,” Rosalyn replied. “Everybody’s been acting like I’m an alien.”

The bell rang, noting the end of recess. Everybody started filing in to go to English class.

“We can go in together, since you’re not friends with anybody else yet,” Ana said.

“Okay,” Rosalyn replied, smiling. She linked arms with Ana and they walked into the building.
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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Writer_girl_09 on Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:04 pm

Chapter One: Danger
Halfway through English class, Rosalyn had nearly fallen asleep, but then the fire alarm went off. The whole class started shrieking, no one knowing what to do. Smoke started sneaking beneath the door. Thinking quickly, Rosalyn tore the curtains off the windows and knotted them together. Taking a bucket from beneath the classroom's sink, she filled it to the brim and then poured all the water on the curtains, making it wet. Rosalyn held it up and yelled to the class, "Everyone, get under this! It'll protect us from the fire for a few minutes, but it'll be less effective each second. We have to make a run for it!"

Obediently, as if on que, all students ran beneath it and Rosalyn, helped by a few girls in the class and the teacher, held up the curtains. The fire hadn't spread much, but it was catching up from behind them very quickly. Rosalyn broke into a run and so did everyone else. They tumbled out of the door and watched smoke billow from the windows.

"Did everyone get out safely?" Rosalyn asked, panting.

"I think everybody did," a girl with black heel-length hair responded. "I'm Kathryn, by the way," she added.

Rosalyn looked around, just to make sure. She gasped.

"Ana's not here!" she yelled. She ran to the building and went through the doorway.

"I hope she'll be okay," Kathryn whispered, evidently terrified.



Rosalyn dodged falling parts of the ceiling and avoided all the flames.

"Ana!" she called out. "Ana, where are you?"

"Rosalyn!" a cry came from farther down the hall. "Rosalyn, can you hear me? Help!"

Rosalyn followed Ana's voice and found her on the floor clutching her ankle.

"We've got to get out of here," Rosalyn whispered. "We'll get killed by the flames if we don't."

"I can't get up," Ana replied solemnly. "I tripped and my ankle's sprained. I tried to stand on it, but I couldn't."

Rosalyn supported Ana and they went as fast as they could back towards the door. By the time they got there, the flames were burning it down; they couldn't walk directly through the flames. Veering into a classroom, Rosalyn threw open the window and helped Ana get out, then she climbed through herself; and just in time; the ceiling collapsed on the first floor seconds after they had rolled onto the grass and caught up with the other students.

"Rosalyn," a girl with brown hair that went to her knees said, "that was amazing! How did you do it?"

"Well, I didn't really know what I was doing," Rosalyn admitted. "I just acted on pure instincts."

"My name's Lily," the girl replied. "I think you're just being modest."

Rosalyn flushed with pride. Everyone was talking to her and swarming around her and complimenting her. She didn't know what to say. All she knew was that she was pretty popular now.
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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by 017350 on Mon Mar 17, 2008 9:11 pm

Nice! I look forward to seeing more of this!

P.S. I see you got your account working! Welcome to the forum!

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Artemis F. on Fri Mar 28, 2008 12:44 am

Ah, HollyShort9. Don't think I wouldn't reconize your charming story. *smiles* Welcome, seeing as I am new here as well, I shall inform Methuselah you have joined. Ta ta!

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Dark Princess on Fri Mar 28, 2008 9:16 pm

Great story.
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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Methuselah on Sat Mar 29, 2008 12:08 pm

Yeah, the same story was on artemisfowl.fangathering.com!

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Topaz on Sat Apr 19, 2008 11:26 pm

Short...but good!!!!!LOL!
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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Moonlite Knight on Sun Jul 27, 2008 5:58 am

Good story! Very Happy Hope you are able to get it published! Best of luck!

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Sirch Hanom on Sun May 31, 2009 9:18 am

Oh, God....publishing...If you guys think I'm a tough critic, editors and publishers take your manuscript and use it to make bedding for their cats. I don't think this story is ready to be published.

1. How old are these kids?
2. Why does everyone introduce themselves with "I'm ____."? That's not real dialogue. No one tells anyone else their name until exchanging a few sentences.
3. Rosalyn and Ana's back and forth in the beginning sounded wooden as well. No one says “We can go in together, since you’re not friends with anybody else yet,”. You're almost forcing the reader to think "Hey, these guys are going to be friends.". The characters seem like little cardboard cutouts of girls, with a line drawn from one to the other that says "Friends". It's just not believable.
4. A fire? We've seen the story hundreds of times:
"Fire! Everyone out!"
"Oh no!"
"What?"
"My friend is still in there!"
"That place is gonna collapse any second!"
"I don't care!"
(Runs)
"Oh my God! You safe! You're an instant hero!"
Besides the shady, cynical detective kicked out of the police force for being too reckless, then asked to find a criminal no one else can, this fire is the most repeated plotline.
5. "I just acted on pure instincts."
This young girl is supposed to be the Ubermacht? A fake character does exactly what's needed without feeling anything. A real character does what they can do, being a person, and thinks about what they're doing, be it fear, remorse, excitement, thrills.
So far, this is series of neatly choreographed problems and solutions: No friends? New friend magically appears. They immediately become close. A fire breaks out. Everyone mills about. Character suddenly and flawlessly takes charge. Friend left inside! Easy in, easy out. Everyone is happy.
If you made your character Rosalyn shy, intelligent, arrogant, a pushover, a martyr for others, anything, there'd be something for the reader to relate to, instead of a series of things happening and being solved immediately by a character no one can identify with.
Friends aren't just people who hang around; they're people who the character identifies with, likes, shares interests with. Lily and so on don't sound like convincing friends. None of these characters are.
This story has no distinguishing qualities. You need to make it special somehow, by twists, characters with problems, convincing dialogue, anything. I suggest you start over, with a new plotline and really think about character's backgrounds, likes, dislikes, personalities, problems for them to face, and whether or not you want to have a theme. Your story has to be different from all the others out there.

This is constructive criticism. A publishing group is not looking for a reason to print your story, they're looking for a reason not to, and they aren't as reserved in their language as me.


Last edited by Sirch Hanom on Sun May 31, 2009 9:20 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Reason-box, I'm getting tired of your judgements. I messed up and noticed it.)
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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by HS7 on Sun May 31, 2009 2:47 pm

*blinks*

Now I am absolutely terrified. You are a tough critic and I'm not sure if any of us other than you could possibly come up with something that meets your standards.

It's complicated really. Usually the start of something is hard. A job, new school year, intros.

You don't know what to say or do. You write down or do whatever pops into your mind first, even if it's stupid.

Once they think the beginning is okay and get someone to read over it and the person likes it, the writer would begin the main part, which for some odd reason flows better than the beginning. Even if only slightly.

I can say this, but not everyone can be like this. I've on;ly come to this conclusion due to the fact people come up to me and ask if one thing is good are not. I was actually considered to create a textbook, but compared to Mr. Critic, I would have been making one for a first grader.

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 31, 2009 7:46 pm

Ohdangg.
You're nickname is correct. o:
It's nice to have someone like you around here, though. Everyone just reads your story, tells you it's good, and moves on. You're going the extra step by telling us what problems we have in our story, and how we can fix it to make it better.
Thanks for that.~

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Re: Rosalyn's Life

Post by Sirch Hanom on Mon Jun 01, 2009 1:41 am

--This comment I wrote is cold reality for paperback writers. The standard I hold is for aspiring authors who plan to write books, who want to live as authors. This forum seems to be a place to get your confidence up, a place to post and be complimented.
--But when, or if, the poster plans to write for a newspaper, short story book, a novel, a college class, a High School class, they will feel blindsided and discouraged by sudden and sometimes blatantly insulting comment. Constant "Hey, you're great! Keep going!" comments, and no negatives breed complacency, keep you from constantly improving, as every writer should do.
--I came down so 'hard' on writer_girl because she thought their story was ready to be published and critiqued, and no one had said anything to the contrary. I said what I believe an editor, publisher, teacher would say. I don't think many people quite understand a writer's disappointment when their story is just shot down completely, with no reason other than "Your story is terrible. Start over." And that is the kind of thing you'll meet on the way to publishing, if you don't work hard.
--My standards are high. It is unbelievably hard to make new problems for characters, make new plots, think of new characters and new personalities for a story. But you have to. You want your story to be the best it can be, and if you succeed, you will be praised by critics and fans alike. There are two writers here who have garnered my compliments, through writing style or characters, Ritsuka and Starr. My standards are not impossible. Those two had something that stood out, among things that did not. I await the day when I can say nothing helpful about a story; this story had a lot of things that could have been done better, to the point where I had to say "Start again." But if writer_girl does, she will do so (I hope) while thinking of what I said, and make something better than what she started with.
--A good writer should be some kind of original, be it plot, characters, setting, problems, something. What made C.S. Lewis special? A magical land? Done before. Talking animals? Been around forever. Children on an adventure? Seen that hundreds of times. But he made it special, by splitting up the characters, making them have emotions, solve mysteries, made the reader care about the them.
There should be a style, be it humorous, descriptive, some way to make the reader say "Yeah, that's how they write." Michael Crichton, the creator of Jurassic Park and Sphere was very analytical, scientific, sometimes where you thought "Shut up with the properties of Bismuth, Michael. What about the aliens?" But he had a style of his own.
--If you want to write something that's purely for 'poops and giggles' there is a 'Trash Can' (I wish it was not called that. Exercises have a purpose) section for you to just 'blurb' things. If you want to post something in Fiction, I want people to have spent some real thought on it. I was part of a writing group where the lead writer, an English teacher, only gave compliments. I sat there and watched everyone smile after their story was praised profusely. No one said anything critical but me, and I got some serious flak. That is not the real world. Readers, people who don't know you, have to be convinced that you are something amazing.
Terrifiying is not a word I want to describe my posts. I want them to be helpful. The only way someone could dread posting their story here is if they didn't want to be criticized, or told anything they don't want to hear. I critique writing, not people, and I'm not going to post anything doesn't help a writer improve.
That is Sirch Hanom's Massively Long Rant About Writing for today.


Last edited by Sirch Hanom on Mon Jun 01, 2009 1:57 am; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : I don't have to tell you anything, Reason-Box. Fine! I'll start using the preview button...)
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