Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri Aug 15, 2008 11:00 pm

CONTINUE SIX


To my surprise, Rylan grabbed my hand and kept my fingers locked within his own, holding my hand. I felt my face turn beet-red and I swallowed hard, struggling to rein in my emotions. Rylan was just my friend, right? Right? Oh gods, please no. I couldn’t take this and my vision all in the same day. But how to let him know? Or was he not even thinking any thoughts of this sort? Crap. Trying to fit myself into his position? Not working as well as I had hoped for.

The movie starts, and Jay turns off the side-table lamp, leaving us bathing in the glow from the TV. Rylan pulls on my hand, making me turn to look at him. The TV’s glow sent shadows dancing across his face, making it seem all the more angular then it really was.



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Rawr. I have a bit of a writers' block after this. xD

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:05 pm

Noo! You evil cliffhanger-person!! *cries*
You need to make holding hands a little softer, Starr. Like, merge fingers or just something that doesn't sound so forced.
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sat Aug 16, 2008 6:07 pm

Haha. -snickers-
I am evil. -spooky face-
xD And I still need to write the rest of it. -cracks knuckles and opens microsoft word-

Pshah. They're not holding hands. Rylan just has a death-grip on her fingers. -snickers- And she thinks he's trying to hold her hand. xD

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sat Aug 16, 2008 9:42 pm

CONTINUE SIX


He must of have noticed me blushing (I mean, who wouldn’t have missed that? I was probably as red as a tomato), because he let go of my hand, allowing me to return it to my side. I flexed my fingers, finding that they had gone numb in his grasp. “Sorry,” he mutters, turning back to watch the movie. I let my gaze rest on him, eyes traveling over his face. What the hell had that been about?

I turn back to the movie, mindlessly reaching for popcorn every now and again. Good gods, I swear I had seen this movie so many times; I could recite it in my sleep. Which movie was it? Funny you’d ask… But it was that Premonition – y’know, that movie with the mom who lives her days all freaky and weird and makes the calendar? Yeah. That’s the movie. Now, I had no clue as to why were watching it, but it was probably to make me feel better about my vision? Or something? Really, I wouldn’t know.


_____________________________________
Wow.
Watching movies are boring. Dx

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri Aug 22, 2008 9:08 pm

I sat soundlessly, exploring my own mind as the movie played on. I made a slight noise as I shifted on the couch, which caused the others to look at me. “Haven’t we seen this before?” I questioned, my voice low. Reba shoots a glare at me, returning to face the screen. I mentally let out a groan; thinking about how much Reba just loved movies in general. Looking upwards, I found Rylan and Jay to be nodding. “Care to play cards?” I questioned.

____
Haha. Movies are so boring. Dx

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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xStarr_x3
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by Sirch Hanom on Sun May 31, 2009 7:49 am

Excuse me for a moment.
*Steps outside with large black handgun and Nancy Drew Collector's Edition Box Set.*
*Gunshot*
I think this story is going to go one of two ways:

A.Children team up and find the killer based on Aster's visions and memory, callin' out a big, dramatic scene where someone is put in danger.
B. (Oedipus style) Children team up and try to prevent the murder, but somehow cause it to happen by trying to intervene.
THis whole plot has been done several times before (That's So Raven, Minority Report, Paycheck). There's just nothing new here, save for a little romance thrown in, which actually kind of takes the reader's attention from the main plot.
Second thing, how could the kids go from talking about a cold-blooded murder, to watching a movie and blushing at hand-touching? WHat are yer character's priorities, here? They may be kids, but jesums, shiftin' gears awful fast. And the "Premonition" movie-thing? Not a good choice; what are you trying to say? They don't take this seriously? Sort of like takin' a murder witness to the new "Godfather" movie, m?
The 1st person perspective is all right, I just prefer 3rd, but the breaking of the fourth wall (Talking directly to the reader) cheapens almost every book; instead of showing your character's feelings and actions throughout the story, you're just saying it to the reader. Anyone can write "Oh, gosh, Ted was really sad, you know what I mean?" It takes skills to make the reader draw that conclusion on their own, from how the character acts, looks, what they say, etc. Revealing thoughts is fine, but there's always a line between empathizing and being told how the character feels. Instead of thinking "Oh crap, I'm in trouble!" have the character grimace and clench their fists in anticipation.
Your actual style is good; it reminds me to add more detail than I am. As long as you can back it up with a good plot, you'll be fine.
I thought I was the only one who used the word "Jesums/ jezums". But then again, I thought I was the artificer of the word "coolio", too.
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun May 31, 2009 7:58 pm

Woah, that's kinda funny. xD I was wondering when you'd get to some of my stories before I got on. I get on, and bam. Here it is. o:

Anyways, I read that and I agree with what you wrote. xD
I started this last year, before we had a class on plot-lines and such (sure, we went over it breifly, but not in detail), so I really had no clue on how to continue the story on until it got more exciting. So I improvised, which may have not been the best thing to do. xD

Aha. I like details, sometimes. Purple prose-y stuff, on the other hand, I can deal without. And jeezum, I thought I was one of the only ones who used that word. xDD

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
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Re: Peripheral Vision (Rated T)

Post by Sirch Hanom on Wed Jun 03, 2009 5:19 am

"What do you think, Komrade Svetslana?"
"Keep verking."
Hurrah for Russian stereotypes.

Making the space between dramatic events interesting is another one of the buttocks-load of skills writers should have. More than just the character contemplating the previous event, less than a whole 'nother plotline going on in-between.
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