December times

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Re: December times

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Thu Jul 31, 2008 3:02 pm

Good. I aim for weird.
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Re: December times

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Jul 31, 2008 6:19 pm

Can't wait for the next chapter.

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: December times

Post by HS7 on Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:42 am

Aiming for weird is odd. But then again, like you said when you kept on PMing me, boys are odd.

*shrugs*

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Re: December times

Post by BPahl88 on Fri Aug 01, 2008 2:56 pm

No! Boys are not odd. Well... most aren't. (Like me! I'm not odd! Very Happy) But some girls can be too.
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Re: December times

Post by HS7 on Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:13 pm

Tell that to Ritsuka... He's been PMing me about that...

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Re: December times

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri Aug 01, 2008 3:34 pm

BP, you /are/ odd. xD No offence or anything, but you are. Who else would be friends with my little brother?

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: December times

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Fri Aug 01, 2008 9:54 pm

I think he's cool.
But, I am the weird type, in some ways.
*shrugs* But I'm mostly just a normal guy.
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Light filters through my closed eyes and I open them. Groggy exaustion weighs down my entire body as I lay in a thin white hospital bed, struggling to focus on the figures sitting at my side. I make out Cain and Rachel fast asleep in connected chairs not far from the edge of the bed, but Mother is nowhere in sight. There are beeping moniters on my other side, and a needle in my arm. I shudder. My skin is a glowing pale white in the moonlight through the glass window as it lights up the dark room. I feel strength slowly seep back into my limbs and sit up with little effort. My chest feels lighter, like a burden has been removed from my spirit. My nose wrinkles. It smells sterile. I glance down at my trembling hands, realizing I have not yet fully recovered, What happened...? Cain's eyes blink open and he smiles at me, "Brother," He whispers, for fear of waking Rachel, "Your alright!" I almost cry as he springs up, wrapping me in a hug, "Cain..." He snuggled in beside me to keep me warm, "How do you feel?" I bury my face in his shoulder, "Normal... For once..." He wraps his arm around my shoulders, "I'm glad. Rachel was worried sick about you." I sigh into his warmth, "I'm sorry..." I can't see his expression, but I think his smile is gone, "You had a heart-attack. Not even a minor one, either. The doctor told me Mother has gone missing, too, so we have no one to pay for the treatment they gave you." I lift my head slightly to see his face, "Mother is... gone?" He nods sadly, "Yes. We go to Speilberg home for orphaned boys tomorrow, they'll pay until we get a family." I feel dread wash over me. Mother is gone. Our old life is gone. I'll have to leave Rachel. A foster home, probrably seperated from Cain. I hold him close, "You're so strong, Cain. I wish I was like that..." He tightens his grip on my back, "Don't talk like that, I'll never let them take us apart." I hold him at arm's length, looking right into his eyes, "No, Cain. I'm your older brother, I'll make sure we stay together. You don't need to carry that burden on your shoulders any longer." He is startled, so I continue, "You've been acting as both a father and a brother to me, though I am the eldest. You were my comfort when I was unstable, now it is my turn. I will take care of you. I promise." He smiles gently, "Brother..."
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Re: December times

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:10 am

The morning before Cain and I were to leave for the home, I stood outside the black SUV, facing Rachel. I stared apologeticlly into her eyes. "Rachel, I..." Rachel's eyes glistened with tears, holding her clasped hands to her heart. "Able, I'll miss you." She threw her arms about my neck and I wrapped my arms around her waist as she hugged me tightly. "I'll be out in a few years, Rachel, we'll meet again. I promise." Her breast pressed to my torso, "I know, but I love you, Able!" I smiled, pressing my face into her strawberry-scented brown hair. "And I you, love. But I'll keep in touch, alright?" She pulled away to gaze into my eyes. "Alright." I was caught in her gaze as she leaned forward, pressing her lips to mine. We hovered for a minute, enjoying the moment to forget what was to happen, then I moved my hands to the sides of her face. She slid away, tears shinning on her lashes. I smiled gently, wiping them with my finger. "Good bye, Rachel." Rachel nodded, sniffing. I kiss her forehead tenderly. "Be good, an be happy. I'll come back for you." Rachel stepped back as I got into the car, waving half-heartedly as the vehical disappeared around the corner. "I love you!"

End...
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Re: December times

Post by HS7 on Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:34 am

Aww... How sweet...

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Re: December times

Post by RitsukaofLoveless on Tue Aug 05, 2008 12:36 am

*shrugs happily*
Love-story ending.
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Re: December times

Post by Dark Princess on Sun Nov 09, 2008 10:34 pm

(ok really slow to get to read this, I know.)

cool story Ritsuka.
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Re: December times

Post by Sirch Hanom on Sat May 30, 2009 5:05 am

I realize, since this character is based off of you, that the story involves a bit of your life story; being very smart, able to function around older people than you, so on. I can see a lot of potential for this story, but you have to use some subtlety.
The first chapp seems to want to set the scene all in one go. The character looks like this, this is who he is, this is what he feels, hey, do you like it? Instead of cramming all the intro info into one place, spread it out. Otherwise, it's like a checklist: Able is this tall, this color hair, he's smart, he's frustrated with school, he's confused about love. Bam. Introduce Able's traits over time.
The dialogue so far, not inner monologue, has been kind of wooden, rehashed stuffin, especially Cain's dialogue with Able after he comes home in a drug-induced daze (Drugs-a good way to make Able poignant and real. Drug-addicted? Interestin'.... I hope that isn't autobiographical too...). Verk on it, Komrade.
THis is a love story. Autobiographical it may be, but for a story, you have to make it special somehow. It seems like readers never get tired of the shy, intelligent, sensitive guy meeting the nice girl, but there's hundreds of writers out there that have written similar schoolgirl romances. Make yours special. Throw in a problem, but not one like, someone's moving, the mother doesn't like the relationship, etc. Forbidden love is hard to make special; it just blends in with the rest.
If you can, develop your character's personality. He's smart,, mature, slightly...cynical? Creative? Arrogant? So far, Able is the character that makes this different from other stories. Also, Cain and Able? Just pullin' Biblical names out, hmm? Unless you decide to use the Cain-and-Able theme, I suggest choosing names without such a well known connotation to them.
Shibaggen, there's two more pages besides the first? I'll comment on 'em later.
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Re: December times

Post by HS7 on Sat May 30, 2009 3:41 pm

*blinks*

Seems like he says things people miss. Everything has been said. Though, I do have one thing to say.

Able and Cain are their names. And, I must say, this is like an autobiography. Just different. The drugs actually could be part of the real thing. Considering how his life was. He put bits of his life along with false facts into this.

I would say more, but my aunt is forcing me to leave the house and walk in the sweltering sun.

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Re: December times

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