1515 North Bearss Ave.

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1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by sweetkiss on Thu Jul 03, 2008 7:59 pm

Hey yall!!
I wrote this story a while ago, so bare with me if there is some grammer issues. I read it over and it seemed ok. If there is something wrong, tell me and I'll fix it.

CHAPTER 1
1515 NORTH BEARSS AVE.


Debbie and Tom are newly weds and just bought there first home at 1515 North Bearss Ave. Today is there first day that they moved in. So they started to bring there boxes in and all of their furniture. But they stopped because they heard a noise like foot steps. “Tom did you hear that?” Debbie asked franticly, “TOM DID YOU HEAR THAT?”
”Honey please calm down”, Tom said reassuringly “You and I are the only ones that are in this house. It was probably just the wind.”
”That better be true.” Debbie said worrying.
So they continued to unpack their cloths, their pictures, and their personal items when they herd the foot steps again. But they were closer and they herd scratching on the walls. “Oh my gosh ,Tom you can't say you did not here that.” Debbie said apprehensively.
“Ok honey, I'll go look and see if anyone is in here besides me and you.” Tom said.
As soon as he walked out the door Debbie heard him scream.
“Oh my god, Tom are you ok?” screamed Debbie.
Tom came around the corner laughing, “Yes dear I'm fine I'm just trying to lighten up the mood.”
“Don't you ever do that to me again. You know I hate being scared”, Debbie yelled back at him.
So Tom went around the house but did not see or hear anything weird. But then, he walked into the study and found a raccoon walking around.
”Honey I think I found the problem,” Tom yelled across the house to Debbie.
So, Tom came back in the master bedroom with Debbie. They finished unpacking there clothes and sheets for their bed.
”I'm hungry.” Tom told Debbie,
”Okay babe, I'll order some pizza what do you want on it?” Debbie asked,
”Umm, just get the works please.”
So Debbie called the local pizza shop, Amber's Pizzeria, and ordered the works.
”Hello thank you for calling Amber's Pizzeria may I take your order?” Amy the phone operator asked.
”Ah yes, can I have the works?”
”Yes, you can. What size?”
”Tom, how hungry are you”
”Umm, let's just say that I can eat five turkey dinners.” Tom told Debbie.
”Okay, can I have a large?”
”Yes you may, that will be $17.50”
”Okay, thank you. I live at 1515 North Bearss Avenue.”
”Okay, your pizza will be there in thirty-five to fourty-five minutes or less, if not than its free."
”Okay, thank you.”
So, after Debbie called the pizza shop she went back and sat on the couch with Tom and waited for the pizza.

”Sweetie the pizza is taking forever.” Debbie told Tom.
”Yeah, it is. I'll call the shop and ask about it.”
So, Tom called, and he got the busy signal. Then tried again, and he got threw.
”Hello, thank you for calling Amber's Pizzeria may I help you?”
”Hi yes, my wife and I ordered a pizza an hour and a half ago, and we have not received it yet.”
”Okay, what's your address?”
”1515 North Bearss Avenue.”
”Okay, I sent Kip out thirty-five minuets ago. He's not there yet?”
”No, he’s not and I'm hungrier than ever.”
”Yes sir, I'm going to send you another pizza.”
”No thank you. My wife and I have already heated up some frozen dinners, so no thanks.”
Tom got so mad he hung up the phone.
”Sweetie? The pizza guy's truck is outside. So where's our pizza?” Debbie asked
”I don't know. I'm going to go outside and teach that pizza guy a good lesson!” Tom said.
”Okay Tom, but be nice to the poor guy, you never know if something happened to him so that's why he's hasn't given us the pizza yet.” Debbie told him.
Tom puts on his dark brown boots, gets the keys, and unlocks the door.
”Tom? I want to go with you to say something to him too.” Debbie commanded.
So, they went outside and start to walk to his car. As they start walking they see Kip in the car and start to wonder why his head is on the steering wheel and the door opened.
”Tom, go see if he's okay please,” Debbie told Tom
”Honey he probably has a headache, nothings wrong.” Tom told Debbie to calm her fears.
Tom goes to the car and starts shaking Kip to wake him up. Kip is not moving or breathing and then Tom gets blood spatters on his shirt and his face.
”Oh my god! Debbie call the police!”, Tom told Debbie
”Why do I need to call them?”
”Because I think the pizza guy is seriously hurt!”
Debbie went running to the house and grabbed her cell phone and dialed 911.
”911, what is your emergency?”
”Someone is not responding. What do I do?” at this point Debbie is freaking out.
”Ma'am, please calm down and tell me where you live.”
”I live at 1515 North Bearss Avenue.”
”Okay we are sending emergency vehicles now.”
The police, ambulance, and a fire truck came in less than 10 minutes.


Last edited by BPahl88 on Thu Jul 03, 2008 11:19 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : There were some gramatical errors that had to be fixed.)
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by BPahl88 on Thu Jul 03, 2008 10:58 pm

Oh, very good beginning. I saw some errors, mostly commas and punctuation, but other than the grammer, it's all great! (I'll fix the stuff for you, though) Very Happy
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by Moonlite Knight on Sun Jul 06, 2008 3:56 am

I agree, very good. Aside from minor errors, my only critic is to add a little more detail, espically in the beginning, and the end. Addind a little more detail would catch the reader's attention more effectively, I think. Anyway, it's still very good, I love mysteries! I want to know what happened to the poor pizza guy! And what about those footsteps? Suspect

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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by sweetkiss on Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:45 am

And what about those footsteps

I wrote something in there to tell you about the footsteps.

So Tom went around the house but did not see or hear anything weird. But then, he walked into the study and found- a- raccoon walking around.

Does that answer your question??

Please remeber that I wrote this story 2 years ago; and just found it in the computer. Thats why there are some issues. If there are some tell me where so I can fix it.

And thanks for the advice. Very Happy
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by sweetkiss on Sun Jul 06, 2008 11:48 am

(A mini chapter!!)

”Hello I'm Steve Panera, I'm the investigator from TPD can you tell me what happened”
”I don't know my husband and I just came out to see if our pizza guy is ok because we called 2 hours ago. We just saw the car and looked in and saw that he was hurt and called you guys.” Tom explained.
”Ok Ma'am we'll call you later when we have more information" can we have your phone number”
”Sure my cell number is (813)856-9965.”
”Thank you I'll be sure to call you”
Debbie and Tom went inside and went to bed. They were sleeping for 2 hours when Tom reached over to hug Debbie and she wasn't there.
”Debbie why are you out of bed; why are you in the living room?” Tom asked franticly.
”Honey did you write this?” Debbie asked.
”No, do you know how it got there?” Tom replied.
”No, I got thirsty and came out for a glass of water.” Debbie told Tom.
"We need to call Steve again"
Tom and Debbie called Steve to tell him about the wall. So the TPD and the Tampa CSI came and found out that on the writing was blood, and it was human. But the blood was tested and the person whose blood it belonged to did not have a record. The wall said I GOT THE PIZZA GUY NOW IM COMING TO GET YOU TOM SO BE PREPARED!!
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by Hazel on Sun Jul 06, 2008 5:50 pm

Wow super creepy! It's really interesting though. I can't wait to read more!! Very Happy

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by Moonlite Knight on Sun Jul 06, 2008 10:05 pm

I agree with Hazel! Creepy but interesting! Very Happy

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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by GoMulchGo on Mon Jul 07, 2008 7:56 am

Hmm.... There aren't many suspects. That's no fun. We need a sporting chance. Very Happy Anyway, this story's great, aside from the vague details. I hope you finish this in the future.
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by BPahl88 on Mon Jul 07, 2008 6:49 pm

Yes indeed, creepy. But a very neat story. I can't wait to read more. Very Happy
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by sweetkiss on Sun Aug 03, 2008 2:17 pm

CHAPTER 2: Meeting Kip
Debbie and Tom were pretty scared about all that has happened to them in just a matter of twenty- four hours. But they realized that they were not the only ones petrified about this. They remembered the pizza guy Kip.
”Honey Kip practically died yesterday. We should go and see him in the hospital.” Tom told Debbie.
”That's true, we should bring him some flowers and stay there till he wakes up.” said Debbie.
So they got up and got dressed, and went to the hospital.
”Hello welcome to St. Joseph Hospital how may I help you.” Linda the receptionist asked.
”We would like the room of Kip.” Tom requested.
”Do you know the last name that would help a lot?” Linda asked.
”No all we know is his first name. He was brought in last night?” Debbie told Linda.
”Umm a lot of people got brought in last night could you describe him for me; can you tell me why he was brought in.” Linda told Tom and Debbie.
”Ya he's a pizza guy, and he was stabbed in the chest. He was brought in form the address 1515 N. Bearss Ave.” Tom told Linda.
”Ok, let me look” Linda took a look at her computer. “Here he is yes he is in room 325A. Here are your passes.”
”Thank you. Honey did you write down the room number?” Debbie asked Tom.
”Yes, we need to stop by the gift shop too.” Tom told Debbie.
Debbie and Tom walked down to the gift shop and ran into detective Steve Panera.
”Hello detective why are you here?” Debbie asked.
”Oh a, um I was just here to see the pizza guy.” Steve said
”Oh Kip that's why were. I feel so bad about what happened.” Tom told Steve.
”Oh Kip right, um well happy shopping, Steve told Tom and Debbie. “The prices are outrageous.”
”Umm, ok, thank you.” Tom told Steve.
Steve left and Tom and Debbie continued shopping.
”That was weird.” Debbie told Tom.
”Yes it was I wonder why he was acting so weird.” Tom asked.
”I don't know he was acting like he didn't even care about Kip.” Debbie told Tom.
” come on honey we need to get some flowers and get up to his room.” Tom said.
So they bought a dozen roses for Kip. They get into the elevator and punch in floor 3. But they got stopped on floor 2 and a nurse came in and punched floor 1 and they went back down to the first floor. So they went back up to the third floor.
”Code Blue, Code Blue we have a heart stopped in room 325A.” a nurse yelled as 5 other nurses ran by.
”That's Kips room we should get in there.” Debbie yelled at Tom.
”No we need to stay out of there way lets just stay outside his room.” Tom suggested trying to calm Debbie down.
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by BPahl88 on Sun Aug 03, 2008 6:40 pm

Ohh... cool. But it just seems like everything is happening so quickly. And there is too much dialouge (Parden spelling please). But that's just my opinion. Otherwise, it's awesome! Very Happy
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Re: 1515 North Bearss Ave.

Post by sweetkiss on Mon Sep 08, 2008 8:06 pm

CHAPTER 3
CODE BLUE

”BP at 20 and dropping.” A nurse yells out.
”Come on, come on breath we need you.” A nurse said as she performed CPR.
”BP at 15 and dropping.” A nurse said.
”Let's shock him.” The nurse said getting off of him.
”Get me charged at 100.” The doctor said.
”Come on come back.”
”Let's go higher.” the second surge of electrisity pasted through Kips lifeless body.
”He's coming back, hes blood pressure is stabilizing”
”He's back.” a nurse yelled as she check all the moniters
”Good lets keep him that way.” The doctor told the nurses.
The nurses cleared the room and the doctor stayed in to clean up.
”Can you tell us what happened here?” Tom asked the doctor.
”Oh yes, are you family?” The Doctor asked
”No were just friends.” Tom replied.
”Ok, well I can't tell you anything unless the family is present.” The doctor told Tom and Debbie.
”He doesn't have any family.” Debbie said.
”Oh ok, well his heart stopped for a while but we got him back.” The doctor replied
”So can we see him or do you want us to stay out here?” Tom asked.
”We are going to move him to ICU and watch him there.” The doctor said.
”Once he is in ICU can we see him?” Debbie asked.
”Yes, you can walk with him to the room.” The doctor said.
”Thank you, when will he be moved?” Debbie asked.
”ASAP we need to watch him with a close eye.” The doctor said.
The nurses moved him to a new room in ICU room 123A. That night Kip woke up.
”Where am I?’ Kip asked.
”Do you remember what happened?” A nurse asked.
”All I remember is a sharp pain in my chest and I blacked out.” Kip replied.
”Who are those people?” Kip asked.
”I'm Debbie and this is my husband Tom.”
”These people saved your life.” A nurse replied.
”Oh then you're my friend's right?” Kip asked.
”Yes” answered Debbie.

(I'm sorry this has so much dialog, but I wrote this 1 year ago, this is my last chapter from last year, so it should slow down a bit)
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