Something I threw together

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Re: Something I threw together

Post by Sirch Hanom on Mon Jun 01, 2009 5:48 am

Beginning part: Nah good, lassie. Tha's talkin' straight to the reader, tha' is.
" The students considered her an ‘outcast’. She technically was, she had curly auburn hair, golden-green eyes, and her fashion wasn’t from this century. But she could careless about her fashion, or what other people thought of her. In her opinion she was pretty; and everyone else was an outcast "
Ya just SAY that? Why not show it, in the course of the story? Reveal her thoughts, have her sit at home (Or wherever), when everyone else is shopping for the dance? Why not have her sit at her own table, alone, reading a book from fifteen centuries ago? Just telling the reader things is not good writing. It's a list of facts. That's not a story.
The whole twist, that she came from the future, could have been done better; have her open her locker and check some futuristic gadgets, or think about her past, the future, and marvel at old things like the Hollister you mentioned. Let the reader gradually realize, "Holy Shibaggen, she's from the future! Daaaangg!"
Time traveling to stop a terrible event. The plots of Time Machine, Terminator, Back to the Future, and a bunch of others all use this same idea. What makes your plot different? A romance between the two time travelers? Why send teenagers to fix the past, instead of some kind of trained SWAT team with holographic gear? Unless they have special abilities or a unique trait that makes them necessary, these teenagers have no real reason to be there other than being empathetic to younger readers.
Being enrolled in a school is a device I feel is unnecessary. Marty McFly didn't have to enroll in the school his parents went to in order to fix the future. Unless the cause of the incident it directly related to the school, there's no real reason to set it there. I think you decided to use this setting because it was familiar to you, and offered a lot more interpersonal school-drama. I notice nearly all fiction stories here have some sort of school setting. Hmmm...
The point I'm trying to get across here is "What makes your story different from all the others?" It is quite possibly the most important question, and I've asked it again and once more. Neither of your char's personalities seem very special, and neither does their (Rather hackneyed) 'mission'. Make this story unique, make the chars have distinct personalities, and really think about where this story is headed. Right now, it's set a course for teen love and choosing between duty and desire, a predictable series of events. Throw something special in.
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Re: Something I threw together

Post by Italin15 on Tue Jul 21, 2009 3:15 pm

I agree with everyone. She did inspire you to right this no matter what she did. keep going, its really good Smile
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Re: Something I threw together

Post by Aura on Sat Feb 27, 2010 6:54 pm

school five minutes, do they invent mobiles that flat like?
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Re: Something I threw together

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