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Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Sun Apr 20, 2008 11:51 am

I'm at a loss as to what to call this. It was originally an in-class essay for school called 'God hates me', but I'm expanding and altering it at the moment, and the title no longer fits at all. If you're going to read through, be aware that there will be romance, propably a little blood, and quite possibly some swearing. But all in all it's a friendly story- As in less angsting then I usually do, and sudden deaths are unlikely. I don't really have a clearly planned plot, but it might turn up. It's mostly just for the fun of writing, and getting to know a few characters I've thought of a little better. Please CC me, and if you have any title suggestions, go ahead...


1st Chapter(or something like that)

I’m not an albino. I don’t look like I do because I lack pigments. And albinos, traditionally, have red eyes. Mine are the colour of an asphalt road on a rainy day. My skin, though, is sheet-white. So is my hair. Perhaps the pigments thing actually applies to my hair. I’m unsure about that. I don’t know anyone who would have the knowledge to say anything for certain about it, though there are people whose guesses I repeatedly credit. But whatever, you know? What’s hair got to do with it, anyway.

I just reminded myself of Pieter. He’d laugh so much if he heard that sentence. I should keep it in mind for another occasion.

All right. I shall now make an attempt to get back to the point- Provided, of course, I was anywhere near a point in the first place. Let me introduce myself. My name is Wolfgang Shards. I’m seventeen. My IQ is a hundred and twenty-six. I’m a vampire, which hopefully explains the whole not-an-albino-business. Oh, yeah, and I’m gay, too, so if you have a problem with that, then sod off. You’d just miss whatever point I’ll ever manage to squeeze into this story.

If there’s a God, he must hate me, don’t you think?

I used to not have any friends. They all left when I was about eleven. That was when it became apparent that I was just a little bit too different to risk hanging out with. I didn’t quite mind, but it took four years for anyone to speak friendly to me outside what was absolutely necessary.

It was at the start of high school. I knew no-one in my new class, and it didn’t seem like they knew each other, either. By the middle of the day, though, most of them were already playing sports with each other, running like crazy, competing for who knows what, popularity. I remember sitting under a tree, watching them. I’m too weak to be good at sports, and of course I am terribly easily sunburned. Even though I was sweating to death inside many layers of clothing and equal layers of sun block, I had to hide in the shadows. This wasn’t usually a big problem, as the weather around here is usually cloudy, but on this day, the sun was burning like it never had before. I’d have stayed inside, if it hadn’t been for that stupid rule about us having to spend at least one of the breaks outside every day.

Let’s summarize. Completely white, both skin and hair. No friends yet. Too weak to do a single push-up. Always hiding in the shadows. Scarf, gloves, turtleneck sweater, jacket, thick jeans and boots- On the warmest day of summer. Is it at all odd they consider me a freak?

“I hate them already, don’t you?”
He had olive skin, dark hair and a face that looked like it knew nothing but smiles, despite the negativity of his statement. Imagine a piece of bright green moss. Imagine you throw it into the river, so the colour goes murky, while still mysteriously remaining bright green. That was the colour of his eyes, the boy sitting next to me under the tree that first day of high school, so quiet I hadn’t even noticed his arrival, so careful I wasn’t even surprised. It seemed completely natural for him to just sit down and tell me how he hated everybody else already. I nodded slowly.
“Pieter West,” he said, and extended his hand. I shook it.
“Wolfgang Shards,” I mumble. I always mumbled. Another one of my curses. I have to mentally hit myself over the head for it all the time, this no exception. I had to repeat myself twice before he could catch my name. He snickered and grinned at me. It would have been embarrassing, but somehow all I could do was smile back.

Put two and two together. You get four.


Last edited by Sofie on Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:54 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : A typo. :S)
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by BlackOpal on Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:42 pm

Yay for non-Sue vampires. Very Happy

This is so well written. Please write more. Very Happy
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Sun Apr 20, 2008 12:56 pm

Yay, Wolfie(lol) is not a Sue! Very Happy That's allways so good to hear.
Thank you!^^
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by 017350 on Sun Apr 20, 2008 1:46 pm

Yeah, nice! How long did it take you to write it? If you write more, and the rest of it's as good as this, then you could very well publish this and get oaid for your work.

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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Sun Apr 20, 2008 2:33 pm

Thanks! Very Happy
The original verision was written as an in-class essay, the time was I 2x45 minutes. And then I typed it into the computer with slight rewriting just now.
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Hazel on Sun Apr 20, 2008 8:58 pm

I really enjoyed reading this, I totally agree with 017350!!!
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by sweetkiss on Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:01 pm

WOW!! I loved it, you have to continue it! I agree with 017350, once your done you should send it into a publisher! Good job! Wink


Last edited by sweetkiss on Mon Apr 21, 2008 12:01 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : i couldn't spell lol)
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Mon May 12, 2008 4:48 pm

New, if short, 'chapter'... This one is more informative. Kind of tells you this isn't the same world as our own... I'm not entirely sure about it, though. It was the only way I could think of to tell about Pieters family. Anyway, I need all constructive critisism I can get!^^


Chapter 2 ish

Just as the kingdoms of the land are ruled by kings and queens of the land, the kingdoms of the sea are ruled by kings and queens of the sea. Though many have tried, no king of the land can rule a kingdom of the sea. If they have safe pass with the pirate lords, they can send their ships wherever they please, if they don’t, well, too bad. Most countries of the land are now at peace with the pirates that rule the sea to their coast, and allow retired pirates to apply for citizenship. This is how the West family entered my neighborhood.

Son of a Dutch fisherman, Niels West was set to follow in his father’s footsteps. However, upon meeting Manuela, a young, Basque female pirate, his fate changed abruptly. They fell in love, and sailed the seas together for many years, until Niels’ heart couldn’t take it anymore. He had a heart attack, which he survived, but they decided to settle down.

All this Pieter told me one afternoon, sitting in the shadows of a large tree by the river marking the end of the school yard.
“That was ten years ago,” he said, “And my mother’s on the sea again together with my older brother. They spend six months at home, six months on the waves, etcetera.”
“Do you miss them?”
He laughed.
“I don’t miss the drama, I don’t.”
We let the conversation rest there.
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Mr.Killerguitar on Wed May 14, 2008 2:00 am

Also, dazu soll ich etwas sagen, okay.
Drum prüfe wer sich ewig bindet...
So check who connect forever, cruely translated, but hits the meaning. It's a german proverb said for people who engage, or used if a relationship breaks.
You can really good use it for stories, if you count story-telling and story-content as two different parts.
This way of telling the story is fantastic, something I missed in all internet-stories I've read within the last months. The metaphors explain everything so wonderful, they work their way: You have pictures in your head.
You had a question for the structure. I'd either make the second chapter longer, or make just one chapter. The second one is just too short. Oh, or make chapters and sub-chapters, like Stephen King does.
About the content I'm not sure what I shall think so far. It's hard to rate that little content we got already, therefore I might be wrong, but I tell you what I think so far. I started reading and was like "Great, that's a good idea and brings us wonderful in social-critic story", then I read vampire and the alarm in my head started ringing. If you wanna copy bad Buffy, than you fall down before you jumped. If your character is really a vampire I wanna see the logic thing.
But I like the second chapter. There I see more sense and you can use that as a good base. You can make pretty much of the whole kingdom of land and of sea story. I'm also sure you can put in the history of your made up world. Try to go more in that direction.
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Wed May 14, 2008 6:54 pm

That's REALLY helpful, thank you ever so much!^^ I'll try to keep that in mind as I'm writing. What I post here at the moment is really some form of a rough draft thingy. I agree that the second "Chapter" is awfully short, in fact I'm reluctant to even calling these parts chapters. Thing is I have trouble with how to connect these two parts gracefully, something that can probably be fixed by working on it over time, I suppose, but any suggestions will be warmely welcomed! Very Happy

Oh, and don't worry, it's not intended to be like Buffy- I haven't seen a singe episode of that show(Omg, don't tell that to Michael of FG x'D), so I wouldn't know what I was doing.
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by BlackOpal on Wed May 14, 2008 8:49 pm

I still love this story.
But it's not long enough.
So pooh.
Haha, I'm just reviewing to waste time in between chapters.
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Tue Jul 01, 2008 5:33 pm

Okay, so I've been trying to continue this, but I kept getting stuck in this one part... In the end I cut it off, and when I couldn't sleep last night, I snuck up at two am to continue it.

Yeah, I'mma turn the day upside down this summer x'P


Just think I should warn- This is introducing a very offensive character who loves the f word. So... If you can't handle, don't read.
(She's SO much fun to write x'D)


So here continues(and I shall quit chaptering, as iut makes my brain hurt and frecks it all up.):

In my class at school, I’m the only vampire. There are two werewolves, and Pieter is one of three direct pirate descendants. In my whole school, there are five vampires, eight werewolves, and fifteen pirates. It’s not actually normal to have that many of “unusual blood”, as they call it, in one place. But in a seaside village with generally cloudy weather and liberal politics, that’s what you get.

For the record, I’m not like the other vampires, either. While they are blessed with inhumane strength and hypnotic powers, I’m a weak kid with no hypnosis whatsoever. Well, I can mess up your mind a little bit if I make an effort, but not in any way that is useful at all.

You see, I was bitten while I was still a mere infant.

And you’re not supposed to survive that. So. I will grow stronger eventually, and then I’ll be a lot stronger than any human, but for the moment, I’m a weakling still.

Which with my luck of course means the first one in my school to really have it in for me, was the strongest, quickest, most popular guy in my year.

For the record, he is a werewolf. His name is Ryan Everard, and he grew a beard at thirteen. He was the one who took my glasses the day Vivian was banned from the school property.

Oh, I didn’t tell you about Vivian? Perhaps I should.




Let’s rewind a bit. Rewind to me and Pieter, being outsiders. If you hate everyone from day one, then you need a place to hide away. Preferably a place outside, so that that daily outside break is taken care of. What me and Pieter found was the river, running from around the hill, passing the local mental institution and then the school.

Well, you’d be an idiot not to find the river, what with all the noise it made. But we found a place where it had dug into the ground and made sort of a cave in the side of the hill, underneath a huge tree. This provided me with enough shadow to survive even the sunniest of days, and it was a lot better than the tree in the middle of the yard, as nobody ever came out there. It was just far enough for the majority of people not to bother going there, and just close enough that we’d always hear the bell when it rang.

It was, in one word, perfect.

We spent every break there, and since we both lived in walking distance from the school, we’d hang around there an afternoon or two as well. We’d talk about everything and nothing, we’d draw figures in the earth, we’d throw rocks at the water. We’d do last minute homework, and quiz each other before tests. And sometimes, we’d just sit back, relax, and enjoy the pure delight of existence.

That was when there were just the two of us, which lasted just about the whole first semester of our first year at the school. Then one day, in November, as a cold storm swept across the coast, things were a little bit different. Normally, we wouldn’t go out in such weather, but Everard and his army of fools were making such a racket, my headache seemed incurable. Exchanging a glance with Pieter, I could tell he just about agreed completely.

Climbing down the roots of the tree, we should have already known she was there. We should have smelled the bitter cigarette smoke, felt it pressing against our lungs. We should have heard her boots stomping the ground.

Only, because of the wind, I didn’t feel the smoke until I was halfway down. And I am not very tolerant to cigarette smoke.

My breath caught in my throat, and I was thrown into an immense coughing fit. Trying desperately to get some air, I forgot to hold on to the roots, and immediately fell on my back on the hard, frozen ground.

Pieter jumped down, and had me upright in seconds.
“No injuries,” I assured him.
He chuckled and ruffled my hair, making me realize I had lost my hat in the fall.

That, however, was not the most pressing matter to attend. Like Pieter’s, my eyes were soon drawn towards the smoker, staring suspiciously at us from the inside of the little cave.

“Wot’re you lookin’ a’?” she barked.
She was taller than both of us, with long hair that was dyed green, the way seaweed is green. Because of the hair, one might have assumed she was a kelpie descendant, but the rest of her appearance begged to differ. Her eyes were quite ordinary brown, but filled with such hostility, they might as well have been red or yellow. Her nose was pierced in two places, her lips in three. She was wearing a thick winter jacket only backing up her already monumental presence.

“Are you starin’ at me because I’m fat?” she continued, “You are, aren’t ye! If ye try to deny it, you’re lying.”
She blew out a large lungful of smoke.
“’N I dun like liars. Fact is, morons, I’m huge, and I still look a hell lot better than you guys combined. Gosh, look at ye. You,” she said, nodding towards me, “You look like you’re dying from some horrible illness. And you,” she continued, turning towards Pieter, “You’re just a fucking nigger.”

Pieter snickered. “How fun. I think I’m going to like you,” he smiled.

“You fuckin’ better,” she roared. After a pause, she added, “I’m Vivian Summer. Work up at the institution.”


And that's how my friends went from one, my boyfriend, to two, my boyfriend and an obscene, fat, green-haired nurse from a mental institution.

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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by BlackOpal on Wed Jul 02, 2008 1:28 pm

But in a seaside village with generally cloudy weather and liberal politics, that’s what you get.

Hilarious. Very Happy
Not a Sue vampire hurray! He doesn't have super strength and that rocks. Very Happy
I like the new character. Very Happy
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by VampireYuuki on Wed Jul 02, 2008 3:17 pm

OKOK, is the main charecter a boy??
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Re: Untitled as of yet...

Post by Sofie on Wed Jul 02, 2008 4:51 pm

VampireYuuki wrote:OKOK, is the main charecter a boy??

Yepp^^

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Re: Untitled as of yet...

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