Life or Death

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Life or Death

Post by Broken Heart on Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:39 am

Chapter 1: Life or Death…
John Parker was returning to his car from a jog around the local park, when he noticed a cardboard box sitting in the driver’s seat. He opened the car door and noticed a folded up piece of paper underneath the mysterious package. John picked up the note and read it:

“Time to pay the consequences for your actions”

As soon as John read the note he knew exactly what was in the little mysterious brown box. A bomb! But before John could move out of the way, it exploded! Sending Johns 17 year-old body into the brick wall of the restrooms. John knew he was dead, but then something amazing happened. He felt no pain, he had no fear, no feeling what so ever. John had heard about this, when your body goes into a state of shock you can’t feel anything. But there was no way this was happening to him. He’s only 17. Nothing had happened to him that would make him be in the state of shock. Then he remembered, the car, the box inside, the note, but what was in that little box? What was in that mysterious little box? “A bomb” thought John, “there was a bomb inside the box. How am I alive? Or am I alive? Is this Heaven? Is this Hell?” The more John thought, the more he became aware of what has happened. John stood up and realized that he was in a poorly lit room with two doors. He had no idea where he was.
“Hello? Is anyone here?” asked John.
“Hello. I’m Computer 5.2, I will be the one guiding you” said a perky voice from nowhere.
“My guide? What the heck is this place?” asked John.
“This my friend, is the Life Center.” Replied the voice.
“The Life Center? I can’t believe this! There is no such thing”
“No such thing! Do you think I’m some random voice from nowhere trying to confuse you or something?”
“Yes” replied John sternly.
“Well then I guess I won’t be helping you”
“No, wait! Helping me with what?”
“Determining how you spend the rest of your life.”
“Am I dead?”
“Not entirely”
“What do you mean by that?”
“What I mean is, your not dead yet. You’re simply in a coma. See.” Then, a big television screen popped in front of Johns face. On the screen was John laying in a hospital, in a coma, just as the voice said. “You are here because you haven’t fulfilled your destiny. And you have to finish it here somehow.”
“If I finish my destiny here, will I go back to the real world?” asked John, wiping the tears from his eyes.
“I’m not sure. Some people go back some people don’t”
“So you mean I’ll never be able to see my family again? I will never be able to get married, have kids?” John was on the floor crying now. This was too much for him to handle.
“Slow down” yelled the voice “There is a 60% chance that you will be able to go back”
“Only 60%?” John was in disbelief, how could this be happening to him.
“Yes 60%. That’s pretty good. But I’m reviewing your life right now in hyper speed. It looks like you have made some bad choices.”
“I know I’m not perfect! Thanks for reminding me.”
“No need to get mad about it”
“I’m mad, but not about that. I’m mad because I should have seen this coming.”
“What do you mean?”
“Me and my friend Joe were messing around with this girl named Angel Hastings” John wasn’t very proud of what he had done to Angel “We didn’t know that she was the daughter of Anthony Hastings II, the most infamous gangster in New Mexico.”
“Oh my goodness, what did you do to the poor girl?”
“Nothing that bad”
“Oh really. I’m watching it right now."
“Well if you knew what we did why did you want me to tell you”
“I just wanted to see if you would tell me.”
“So you don’t trust me”
“Well, from reviewing your life, I don’t think so.”
“Thanks a lot, that’s a confidence builder!” John was really annoyed with this ‘Computer 5.2’. It was looking through his personal life. Literally!
“You’re welcome! Now we need to discuss how you will fulfill your destiny.”


Last edited by Broken Heart on Wed Jul 09, 2008 5:09 pm; edited 1 time in total
avatar
Broken Heart
Prodigy Writer

Female
Number of posts : 1245
Age : 23
Points :
5 / 1005 / 100

Points 2.0 : 549
Registration date : 2008-04-14

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Life or Death

Post by 017350 on Tue Apr 15, 2008 12:27 pm

Nice. It's cool. A lot like "The Wish List", huh? It's good... the writing style and all, but it moves along too quickly. There was only one paragraph before he died (sort of). But that's just my opinion. 9/10

_________________
2bAgen, BPahl88, jeberexa, OliviofBolivia, xStarr_x3, Broken Heart, HS7, Moonlite Knight, Hazel, BlackOpal, Sofie, harrygz, RitsukaofLoveless, Moonlite Squire, BranDavies, and a few others!

2B and BP are both wrong. Kirby is MY friend.
Dance, Kirby! Very Happy
avatar
017350
Administrator

Male
Number of posts : 659
Points :
88 / 10088 / 100

Points 2.0 : 112
Registration date : 2008-03-07

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com

Back to top Go down

Re: Life or Death

Post by BlackOpal on Tue Apr 15, 2008 7:56 pm

It seems to be almost exactly like the Wish List.
My suggestion would be to go much more slowly. Do things like describe the setting around the box, where is he? Maybe describe the kid physically, which could help us get an idea of his mental characteristics. Does he look disheveled or neat? Is he wearing a suit or a Metallica t-shirt?



“Oh my goodness, what did you do to the poor girl?”
“Nothing that bad”
“Oh really. I’m watching it right now, that poor girl.”

Try not to use the phrase "poor girl" twice in a row.

John had heard about this, when your body goes into a state of shock you can’t feel anything. But there was no way this was happening to him. He’s only 17. There is no way that he’s in shock.

Once again, try to choose different words and find synonyms.

Other than that, just slow down. Make sure that we feel the story. Add adjectives and descriptives. I didn't really get what John was feeling when he was talking about Angela. At first he seemed to feel guilty, then dismissive. Try to clarify.

This is a really good story. I enjoyed the dialogue. You created the idea that he had a chance to get back quite well (though I would suggest describing the setting a little bit more so we get a better understanding of that) and it was interesting.
I can almost sense a romance. And I can't wait to meet Angela.
At my hardest I'd rate this 8/10.
avatar
BlackOpal
Writing Whiz

Female
Number of posts : 156
Points :
5 / 1005 / 100

Points 2.0 : 0
Registration date : 2008-03-18

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Life or Death

Post by Broken Heart on Fri May 02, 2008 9:04 pm

Chapter 2: Destiny is calling…
John has been wondering around the poorly lit room for over an hour. And he still doesn’t know what his destiny is or what the two doors lead to. “So, Computer 5”
“Its Computer 5.2 for you’re information” snapped the voice.
“Sorry. Computer 5.2, what’s my destiny?”
“I haven’t figured that out quite yet. But soon enough it will come to me”
“Whatever. Another question, what are those two doors.”
“I thought you would never ask!” apparently this was Computer 5.2s favorite part “These doors will lead you to your life, either in your body with you’re family. Or to spend the rest of eternity in Heaven or Hell” with ever word, Computer 5.2s voice dragged away.
“How do I know which one is which?” John was nervous; he wanted to spend the rest of his life with his family, what person wouldn’t want to? But if he chose the wrong door, that dream wouldn’t be a reality.
“That’s the thing you have to figure that out”
“So how long will that take?”
“I don’t know. In the Life Center, a day might be a year on Earth. So you could never be too sure when you will go back”
“Great, I might be in a coma for a year and it will only be a day here?” John wasn’t very happy about the entire ‘Life Center’ thing.
“Yes, I’m afraid so. But keep your chin up! You will know what to do. Most of the people that I meet know what to do!” 5.2 was trying to make John happy, 5.2 had never seen anyone so depressed.
“Sure, you’re just saying that to make me feel better aren’t you?”
“Well yes and no. Some people do know where to go some give up and pick one randomly and when they do that, then its usually the wrong door.”
“Oh, well I’m not giving up!”
“You sound confident in yourself. That’s good!”
“I hope its enough”
“It will be, now go sit over there” John looked confused there was no place to sit. Then out of no where a chair appeared with a TV screen in front if it. “We are having someone join us. Someone you know”
John had a hunch who the person joining them was. Joe. Then a glowing light shimmered in the middle of the room. It was an amazing sight to see. John stood up to see what the strange glittering light was, and then a figure appeared in the middle. It didn’t look like a human at first, but then it started to take shape.
“Where the heck am I?” said a familiar voice
“Hello, I’m Computer 5.2. I’ll be the one helping you” replied 5.2
“Joe? Is that you?” asked John
“How do you know my name?”
“Joe!! How you been?”
“Ok, I don’t know where I am and who you are, until I get some answers I’m going to sit here and be quite!”
John walked out from the shadows and Joe immediately recognized him “Hey John! How are—“ then Joe thought about his friend being in a coma. How is he here “I thought you were brain dead?”
“No, this is the Life Center, we haven’t fulfilled our destinies yet so you and I are stuck here till we figure everything out”
“Oh great!! I’m stuck in eternity here with you” laughed Joe.

_________________
"We Will Soar" MCMB
(this is my tattoo :3)
avatar
Broken Heart
Prodigy Writer

Female
Number of posts : 1245
Age : 23
Points :
5 / 1005 / 100

Points 2.0 : 549
Registration date : 2008-04-14

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Life or Death

Post by Hazel on Fri May 02, 2008 11:19 pm

This is a really cool story. I agree with everyone so far that it is like the Wish List, but I can see that you've added your own stuff and I think that it is really interesting. I think that it is pretty cool that his friend is there as well. Great Job Very Happy
avatar
Hazel
Moderator

Female
Number of posts : 11563
Age : 106
Points :
63 / 10063 / 100

Points 2.0 : 10202
Registration date : 2008-04-10

View user profile http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/619558

Back to top Go down

Re: Life or Death

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum