Pitch Help

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Pitch Help

Post by Hazel on Tue Feb 22, 2011 3:40 am

Someone want to help me with my pitches? I apparently suck at them.

First Story:
First, Hazel would like to know, which title sounds more intriguing. "The Experiments," or "The Diseased?"
This is what she has:
For a few years scientists have been working on a cure for disease and in 2012 they think they make a break through but what really happens is the cure mutates to form a disease unlike any other. Five children from different parts of the country meet by chance and help each other survive. But soon just surviving isn't enough, they want to live without fear. So the only question remains, who will fight?

I know it's horrible! It sounds so boring! ): Does anyone have advice for me? Please? If you need a summary or something I can do that XD

Second Story:
A Land Called Mystery (this is a working title)
In a small and dreary town live two orphaned sisters who work for a carnival, one of the only forms of entertainment in the entire city. The city is ruled by a corrupt and greedy royal family who strive to control it's citizens. Every year a child of non-royal blood is randomly chosen as a sacrifice to keep evil out of the city and is banished into The Great Woods Beyond. No one but the Hunters are ever allowed outside the city and have all come back with tales of witch eating children and wandering spirits. Maybelle's little sister Mira is chosen this year and Maybelle will do everything in her power to find her missing sister, even if it means leaving the city.

I think this one is better. Thoughts, opinions, ideas, criticisms? Shoot them my way Smile

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Re: Pitch Help

Post by Holleh on Tue Feb 22, 2011 9:42 pm

I do agree that the second one is better.
As for the title question, I kind of like "The Diseased" a little better, but they both sound alright.
I can't really offer any advice, seeing as I suck at pitches myself. xP I did notice a few grammatical errors in each one, though, if that helps at all.
Like, in the first pitch, the first sentence is kind of a run-on.
"...cure for [a] disease and in..."
"...isn't enough[;] they want..."
"So the only question remains" doesn't make sense. Either replace 'remains' with 'is' or add 'that' before 'remains.' Also use a colon, not a comma, before the question.
"...control [its] citizens."
"...and [they] have all..."
Witch eating children? Do you mean children eating witches, or...? Because the way it's worded now sounds like children who eat witches. xP
MY ATTEMPT AT ADVICE (mostly for the first one):
Try to imagine the pitch in a trailer-like version. Think of an announcer voice, random scenes, suspense-inducing questions, etc. Try to get the creative juices flowing to come up with a nice flowing, informative (but not TOO informative) pitch.
Sorry if that was like no help at all. xP
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Re: Pitch Help

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed Feb 23, 2011 12:54 am

ALRIGHT.
So. I like "The Diseased" better. I dunno, it sounds cooler than "The Experiments". "The Experiments" makes you wonder what kind of experiments are being performed.. but "The Diseased' makes for a more solid title.
If that makes any sense. I'm not the best at explaining my thought process sometimes.

AS FOR THE PITCHES, for the first one. I'm not especially interested in it. It seems like a massive summarizing.
...Also, I'm reading a book about a cure that turns deadly... It's amazingly complex and so much more than that. It makes my head hurt, and I literally gasped outloud reading the second book in the series today. xD
Seriously. Read it. The Circle series by Ted Dekker -- you can either start with "Green" or "Black". It's a true circle.
Anyway, for the pitches for the first one.. try this.
Short pitch: 2012 has come, and the world has a cure. A cure that runs deadly...
Long pitch: Years have passed since scientists began working on the cure for ______, and they have finally succeded now, in 2012. But what they don't realize is that, once released, the cure will react to outside changes and mutate.
What was once known as one of the greatest medical breakthroughs in a long time is now known as a deadly disease.
Five children meet by chance and decide to stick together while the world crumbles in the face of this new disease. They help each other to survive, but soon surviving isn't enough. They want to live in a world without fear.
And so the question is: Who will fight with them?

I don't know how relevant a lot of it would be to your story -- I just took what you had and went off of that. Feel free to tweak it to suit your needs. c:

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Re: Pitch Help

Post by Hazel on Wed Feb 23, 2011 1:46 am

Holleh: Thanks, I will so look into fixing that stuff. I knew it was horrible Took me like ten minutes to write haha. But any advice is helpful!

Starr: I have read that series. I love Ted Dekker.
And lol it was a massive summary. Your's fits rather well actually. I'm think I might want to mention the disease doesn't kill people, it turns them into zombies Razz (lol not creative I know). I'm just not sure how much to give away.

Thank you guys! You rock Razz

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Re: Pitch Help

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed Feb 23, 2011 2:24 am

He's quite an amazing author. ^^
Ohh, it did? c: Feel free to use it. xD Edit it to your liking, whatever you feel like doing with it.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Pitch Help

Post by Hazel on Fri Feb 25, 2011 8:16 am

Edited, how does this sound? Much better I hope?

The Diseased
2012 is not the end of the world, but the beginning of the end. The humans have a cure, that will destroy them all.

Years have passed since scientists began working on the cure for incurable disease and now they have finally succeeded, But what they don't realize the catastrophic effects it will have on the human body until it is too late.
What was once known as one of the greatest medical breakthroughs in history is now revealed to be the most terrifying disease humans have ever faced. A disease with no known cure that doesn't kill it's victims but steal away everything that makes them human.
Five children meet by chance and despite their differences, help and comfort each other while the world crumbles in the face of this new disease. They help each other to survive, but soon surviving isn't enough. They want to live in a world without fear.
And so the question is: Who will join the fight?

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Re: Pitch Help

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:21 pm

I feel like the comma in the shirt pitch is unnecessary. "cure that will destroy them all" <-- that comma.

And this sentence is worded weirdly: "But what they don't realize the catastrophic effects it will have on the human body until it is too late."
Otherwise, looks fine.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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xStarr_x3
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Re: Pitch Help

Post by Hazel on Fri Feb 25, 2011 11:38 pm

Right. No comma. Oops I mean to take out the "what." Lol
Thanks for pointing that out XD

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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