Vigilante

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Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Wed Jan 12, 2011 11:32 pm

My NaNo10 Novel! But don't be scared, I edited it first Smile So fresh off the press...take a look and tell me what you think. I personally think it's some of my best writing.

This is the entire prologue. I don't think it's too long. I'm betting the majority will look at it, decide it's too long, and not read it, that's ok Smile I'm trying to have the entire thing edited and sent in for my proof copy by Spring Break so if you have input I'd love you forever.....and if you think that's creepy and don't want to be loved forever, then I promise to only love you for a little bit Razz

Oh, and if anyone wants to know what it's about before reading it or wants to see the cover or whatever, you can find that here: http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/619558 But it's not necessary.

I TOOK IT DOWN BECAUSE I THINK EVERYONE THAT WANTED TO READ IT HAS HAD LONG ENOUGH TO DO SO. IF YOU SEE THIS NOTE AND FEEL DISAPPOINTED, I WILL HAPPILY RE-POST IT SO YOU CAN READ IT
Smile

See?? That wasn't so bad right? Please tell me below if you plan to keep reading, I won't be offended or anything, I just want to know whether or not to bother posting the next chapter Razz
[b]


Last edited by Hazel on Mon Jan 17, 2011 4:18 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Vigilante

Post by Holleh on Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:06 am

I didn't read yet, but I will when I have more time and focus power. xP
Just noticed... That you used the name Holly. Good choice. ;o
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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Thu Jan 13, 2011 2:18 am

Ok Yay! Thanks for letting me know so I don't accidentally take it down on you haha.

Haha I love the name Holly......unfortunately in this story......the character is.....not alive.... XD

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Re: Vigilante

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Jan 13, 2011 7:23 pm

Herreeee you gooooo:

"His hands were enough to hold in the flow of blood, instead it trickled through his fingers.." Do you mean 'weren't enough'..? It makes more sense in the context.

"He was a thief, a drug dealer, and a hit man, he deserved what he got." Hm. Try rephrasing to something like, "He had been a thief, a drug dealer, and a hitman; he deserved what he got." Or change the semi-colon I put there to a colon. It sounds cleaner that way, and since he is dead, he would be a had-been, not a was. The two little chunks on either side of the semi-colon can stand alone, which is why you don't need a comma to connect. It just makes it look chunky... or I dunno. I just know the comma isn't technically correct.

"... forehead before zipped up his jacket, no point..." Zipped = zipping.

"He started walking back to his house but in a moment of self hate, he stopped at the bar first." The phrasing is just a bit off to me. "He started walking back home, but in a moment of self-hatred, he stopped at the bar first" sounds a bit better to me.

"“It’s late,” her voice was cool and portrayed..." Change the comma to a period and capitalize 'her'.

"August walked into the kitchen[,] not feeling sorry in the least."

You say August a lot. Just pointing that out. Vary it up a little, I see you're starting a lot of sentences with 'August' or 'He'. Variety is good, it doesn't create as much of a monotone for the reader.

Also, put the memory in italics. It helps distinguish it as a memory more.

"Though not usually for Erica.." ..Change that to 'with Erica'. Otherwise it sounds like he wants to fight for her, instead of not wanting to fight with her.

"...that did this to you[,] Holly."


I agree. This is the best writing story-wise I've read from you yet. c:

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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Fri Jan 14, 2011 1:44 am

Oh, the memory used to be in italics :/ Bad WCF

Thank You! Silly mistakes. I wondered if I used August and He a lot, I find it a common mistake that I don't always notice.

And Thank You, I'm so glad it's not just me arrogantly thinking my writing is getting better haha! Razz

I'm also thinking I'll post my semi-edited chapter one up here as well, if anyone wants to give me much needed feedback on that as well. XD

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Re: Vigilante

Post by xStarr_x3 on Fri Jan 14, 2011 1:50 am

Ahh, you're welcome. c: Having someone grammar nazi your work always helps. And I like grammar nazi-ing for the most part. xD

Yahhh, go for it. c: Post chapter one and I'll nazi it again.

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Fri Jan 14, 2011 2:03 am

Yes! My grammar is terrible. I not no how speaking proper english.
It is very helpful, and I really don't want a lot of mistakes in my proof copy so more editing the better, I just don't always see my own mistakes!

WOOHOO! Since I just can't wait I'll post it.....*drumroll* right now.



Last edited by Hazel on Sat Jan 22, 2011 7:14 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Vigilante

Post by BPahl88 on Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:08 am

Okay, I've read just the prologue. Soo....

I like how you started out with action. Great writing technique.

Just a little thing that bugs me because I'm OCD: "Most people thought that graveyards were creepy, especially at night." -- I don't know why, but the word 'creepy' just seems a bit too... trivial. I don't know why, it just does. And it should be 'think' instead of 'though' as well.

“I am going to get the man that did this to you Holly. I will track him down and make him pay, even if it kills me.” -- Change it from 'I am' to 'I'm'. Contractions make sentences flow better. Comma as Starr said. And I'd add something at the end like 'he whispered shedding a tear' or something of that nature.

I've got to agree, best work I've seen by you in a long time. Wink

I'll read the first chapter later. But first, mac 'n cheese time! Then I'll "nazi" it ass well. Happy

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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:12 am

You know what? Another person said the same thing about "creepy" and I forgot to change it. Thanks for bringing it to my attention.

And while I agree contractions flow better, splitting it into two words seemed more serious and final.....hmm, I guess if it sounds too weird I'll fix it

Thank you for reading! I get so EXCITED when people read my stuff and tell me how to fix it. Especially this piece because I don't want mistakes in my proof copy

And yes nazi it! WOOOOOOOOO

lol "ass well" *giggles immaturely*

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Re: Vigilante

Post by BPahl88 on Sat Jan 15, 2011 12:17 am

I would be the one to mispell that. XD

EDIT: My OCD-ness does well in this society! Yes!
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Re: Vigilante

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:08 am

You also misspelled 'mispell', BP.

HAZEL--;

"“Mom, that certainly is fascinating but now is not the best of times,” August balanced the phone between his ear and shoulder so he could keep both hands free." Hm. For what he's saying... "Mom, that certainly is fascinating, but now is not the best of times." Just needed a comma, or change that comma to a period. It needs something to break it up. For the second describing part, I would rephrase and break it into a new sentence, ending what he's saying with a period. You could keep it as it is, or try changing up the structure entirely: "The phone was balanced between his ear and shoulder so he could keep both hands free."

Tip: Remember what I said about repetition earlier!
You also say August a lot. We know it's August. You can say 'he', 'him', etc.

"“Nothing,” August bent down.." I don't know why, but I feel that unless you're going to be saying something like, "he said and bent down"... I don't get the comma there. It connects everything, sure. But you don't need to connect it. "Nothing." could stand on its own.

...I feel that it would take five seconds to say "Sorry Mom, I'll have to call you back." Let me time myself. /whips out timer- Two seconds. So then he wipes the sweat off his brow and thinks. And throws it in the fridge. ...This would take more than the three-ish seconds he has.

"...hard work, but [it was] also stressful."

"..the airtight space [could] lessen the explosion enough.." Could = would

"to leave him unscathed [--] and hopefully his apartment space as well." I dunno, I feel the dash would be put to good use there.

"He had a deal with his landlord but he didn’t really want to have to explain how he accidentally blew up the entire building." ..What kind of deal? I feel like this could be left out at this moment. Bring up the deal some other time when it's more relevant to the situation.

Also, you use 'but' alot in your sentences.

"He stood in anticipation but when he felt nothing but the low trembles under his feet he safely deducted that the building was not coming down." Try rephrasing. "He stood waiting, but when he felt nothing but low trembles under his feet, he realized the building was not coming down." ...Also. Why would someone stand around if they thought the building was going to come down around them..? I would be booking it out of there. My life = more important than making sure the building does not come down. I can watch from a safe distance. ...But that's just me. xP

"Cautiously he stepped inside.." Hmm. Either add a comma after cautiously orrr... "Cautious as he.."

"Though the fridge wasn’t completely gone.." Though would sound better/make more sense as 'however'.

"Thankfully, he [had] disabled the fire alarms[,] otherwise they would be ringing loud and clear..."

"Luckily that [was] a small one." Was = had been

"Sitting down at the table[,] he looked around the room[,] almost wanting to laugh." Or you could do "..., and almost wanted to laugh."

"buy a cheap refrigerator?” “Refrigerator? Why, what happened to yours?”
“It’s not working anymore.”" You forgot to hit the enter button before his mother starts talking again.

"The explosives that is, not the fruit baskets. The fruit basket was a new one." I don't know why, but this just isn't working for me. They throw off the flow.

"Normally[,] they just came in ordinary looking packages."

"It was kind[,] but unnecessary."

"...his house key[,] and headed outside."

"Once upon a time, August may have agreed living near a graveyard disturbing." Check this sentence. I can't tell if you're missing a word or two or if that was on purpose.

"Kneeling down by the grave[,] he arranged the flowers." Or... "He knelt down by the grave, arranging the flowers in silence." Kind of makes the sentence following this a bit moot and repetitive, but eh. Fix it up and make it work. xPP

"He had so much he wanted to tell her[,] but [he wasn't] sure how to say it[,] so he opted for the simplest, most sincere, and perhaps the most useless thing he could say, “I’m sorry.”"

"He then ran into the last person he expected to see[,] “Erica?”" I don't like that comma. Make it into a period.

"Erica refused to visit the graveyard with August for years." ..Hm. Try, "She has refused to visit the graveyward with him for years." You're saying their names too many times, I feel.

"I don’t think you need ‘Erica refused to visit the graveyard with August for years.’ You mentioned in the Prologue that she refused to visit, so I don’t think it needs to be said again."
.....................................Can I just say "What?" and be done with it?

"She was moving forward just like she wanted to." Confusing. I thought she didn't want to move ahead.....? I'm confused. Like he, August, had wanted her to? Clear this up.

"August wished[,] not for the only time, that he had bought.." Only time = first time?

"“Right. Ok. Talk to you later.”" Spell out 'okay'.

.........Wait. Him and Erica are divorced? I thought they were still together in the prologue. What.

"to Mason, August['s] closest friend.."

"“They are set up in..." They are = they're. Most people use contractions when speaking. It sounds more natural using contractions in writing when people are talking as well.

"..Really hardcore and hard to find of course.”" I don't think the 'of course' is needed. It's kind of a given, looking at the percent.

"...Well[,] it wouldn’t be your way in[,] exactly..."

Woahwoahwoah. There is a whole lot of dialogue right here without a lot to break it up. Not a good idea. The reader quickly loses focus without something else to focus on. Such as I am right now.

"No[,] I can’t go tonight."

"Yeah[,] well[,] that was before.."

"They lived a few miles away which was quite the walk though he didn’t mind." Try... "They lived a few miles away -- Quite the walk, but he didn't mind."

"You haven’t taken up smoking[,] have you?"

"August shook his head[,] thinking it a little ironic the reason he smelled like smoke would kill him a lot faster than [taking up smoking]." I'd change 'taking up smoking' to 'smoking would'.

“Give him a break[,] Laurie, it’s not like you haven’t seen him in weeks[,]” August’s father called from the couch.

“Well[,] make sure you eat all your food before it goes bad. Waste not, want not.” “Oh[,] there is definitely no food in there.” Missed an enter there too.

"It’s interesting to see the different ways..." You changed to present tense. It's = It was.

"Hi mother had always..." /grins Hi mother. His mother? xPP

"Laurie followed him[,] but didn’t say anything, just watch[ing] him."

"Well ok, if you need.." Spell out okay.

For the very last sentence in this chapter, I think it would have the most effect if you put it into a paragraph of its own. c:


Also, please realize that these are just suggestions. x: You do not have to abide by anything I say if you disagree with what I put. What is in brackets is what I added or changed.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:29 am

Ok, I've got a lot of work to do. Work work work.

Though I do think some was clear, but I'll clear it up right here anyways Razz. It was Erica who had wanted to move on and August not. They were together in the prologue but at the end when August walked out....that was a final walk out. That's why he wouldn't need the house key anymore. Between Prologue and Chapter One = time gap.

Akkkk repetition in sentences is the absolute WORST! I'm so horrible. I'll look it all over. I'll try and add some variety to make it sound less mundane XD

And reading it over I notice I do use He a lot as well. So I figure a complete rewording of sentences will have to do. Though I'd rather repeat August a lot than He.....just as a personal preference XD

I hate commas can you tell? Haha.

Eight lines of dialogue is a lot? *skeptic face*

And I know they're suggestions. You don't need to ever worry about offending me. I take what I want a leave what I don't. I pick and choose what I want to fix. It's just kind of nice to see how other people see it even when I don't agree. That's why I value your advice. So thank you Smile


Last edited by Hazel on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:59 am; edited 3 times in total

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Re: Vigilante

Post by Hazel on Sat Jan 15, 2011 4:35 am

Ok so I sort of edited this a little. If you catch any passive voice or phrases ending in a preposition please point that out, that would be so helpful. I have such a problem XD
And anything written in the present tense or in all capitals are just notes to myself Smile


/REMOVED

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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