A Girl Named Mystery

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A Girl Named Mystery

Post by Hazel on Tue Jan 11, 2011 8:59 am


Yeah I took it down Razz
I do plan on putting it back up when I've got a little more. I'll probably pick it up again around March because I assume I'll be done with Vigilante by then. So come back around then Smile


Last edited by Hazel on Fri Jan 14, 2011 7:18 am; edited 1 time in total

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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Re: A Girl Named Mystery

Post by BPahl88 on Wed Jan 12, 2011 12:52 am

Overall good, but I found a couple little things.

“You did good kid.” -- I dunno why, but this just doesn't seem like something she would say. Maybe changing it to "kiddo" or something would help, but usually "kid" would be said by a man, not a woman. Maybe its just me.

My act lasted around seven minutes but took countless hours of practice. -- I really like the second part of the sentence. I dunno why, I just thought I'd point that out.

Maybe give a little bit more detail about her performance. No need to, just some extra detail would be nice. (I suggest jumping on a trampoline, doing a flip and a twist in the air while going over the elephant, and landing on the ground in a perfect position, knees bent, smiling, and maybe a strand of hair or two across her face for effect. Happy)

Great opening sentence.

And last thing: Is Peanut the elephant? Or a human in the act? I'm assuming the elephant, but still. You never know... Razz

But overall it was pretty good.

*Puts post in reply bin*



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Re: A Girl Named Mystery

Post by Hazel on Wed Jan 12, 2011 4:12 am

*opens up reply bin and squeals with glee at such a good and helpful review*

Thank you! And I agree, kiddo certainly does sound better. I was having a hard time with her performance just because the last time I saw a circus I act I was like 7.

And yeah Peanuts is the elephant. I suppose I could make that more clear Razz

I should have more tonight. I'm trying to write every day so we'll see Smile

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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