Invincible

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Invincible

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Oct 28, 2010 1:57 am

[center]Invincible
When you've removed all ties and emotions from the world, that's when it happens. That's when you truly become invincible.

Removed. If you want to read, shoot me a message.


Last edited by xStarr_x3 on Mon Nov 29, 2010 9:24 pm; edited 4 times in total

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by bibbit on Thu Oct 28, 2010 2:10 am

I feel like you already posted this. Is it a revision or something?

_________________

bibbit
Prodigy Writer

Male
Number of posts : 1045
Age : 24
Points :
0 / 1000 / 100

Points 2.0 : 1055
Registration date : 2010-05-13

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by HS7 on Thu Oct 28, 2010 4:16 am

Well, this is new for me, and if the baby is newly born, he/she will have this tag located on their leg that will set off an alarm in hospitals if someone tries to take the baby out of the building. They have this little microchip thing in it, you see. So I don't think he took the baby out of them hospital at all, or he just cut it off or something.
Also, I also believe in some sense that he's one of the murders. I mean, why else would you put in that little bit of it?
And geez, if someone took my baby away from me and didn't give him/her back to me, I would have marched out there and searched all over the place to find the idiot that dared to keep my baby away from me.

HS7
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 13937
Age : 21
Points :
82 / 10082 / 100

Points 2.0 : 11569
Registration date : 2008-05-15

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by Hazel on Thu Oct 28, 2010 6:31 am

Yes I agree, this does sound familiar. I remember reading an older version. If someone stole my baby, I'd track him down and shoot him....just saying.

I think it's really interesting, I feel bad for the woman and her poor missing baby. But at the same time it's almost too unrealistic. My mom works in the mother baby unit of our hospital and it would be really hard to make it out of there with a new baby. Unless you have a clever way of backing it up you just haven't told us yet Smile

The newscaster says "groups" waay too many times. It makes me a little less worried about the murders and more ready to smack her in the face.....just my thoughts

I thought Clarence's reaction was rather perfect though. Very well done. And the nurse that stayed with her that turned on the news, to me was oddly suspicious in some way, I don't know if that's intentional or just me haha.

Oh, and one last sort of nit-picky thing, but reading The African-American over and over gets a little old......perhaps he could be wearing a name tag? Like I said, though it's nit-picky, just trying to be helpful XD

_________________
Message written with 100 percent more love and care than the leading brand!



Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
avatar
Hazel
Moderator

Female
Number of posts : 11563
Age : 106
Points :
63 / 10063 / 100

Points 2.0 : 10202
Registration date : 2008-04-10

View user profile http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/619558

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Oct 28, 2010 8:45 pm

Yes, it is a revision of some very rough drafts that I posted awhile ago.

Thank you for pointing that stuff out, Hazel. xD I'll give it a look-see and try to spruce it up a bit. Oh, and I didn't mean for the one lady to come off as suspicious. xD She was just there.

And HS7.. No, I hadn't realized they had microchips in those bracelets. Guess that's why most people don't make successful escapes out of hospitals. xD

And thank youuu, guys.
This is why I post my stuff here before it goes anywhere else. Because it gets me some different opinions and lets me figure out what my mistakes are before making a fool out of myself on sites like Inkpop. xD

EDIT: Okay, I fixed some of the details. Some of it's changed a good bit, some of it hasn't. I think I'm finally happy with it. If anyone has anything else to point out, however, please feel free to, well, point it out.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by Holleh on Thu Oct 28, 2010 9:51 pm

This is good, Starreh. ^^

Lesseee....
"...why her child wasn’t lying safe in the crib next to her."
I think safe should be safely, since safe is describing the verb lying, and not a noun. Though Word says either is correct, so. I dunno for sure. xP

"...they asked, “Find who?” "
I think 'they' is technically incorrect, since it is one person and not a group of people. So 'he' or 'she' could probably replace 'they,' depending on the gender of the person who was speaking.

And... That's all I have to comment on at the moment. /nazi. xP
avatar
Holleh
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Female
Number of posts : 4510
Age : 21
Points :
0 / 1000 / 100

Points 2.0 : 4583
Registration date : 2009-03-19

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by xStarr_x3 on Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:17 pm

For the first one, I'm not too sure. xD I like 'lying safe'. 'lying safely' seems to carry on the 'l' sound a lot. And, I think of it as, "Is she safe in the crib?" versus "Is she safely in the crib?" Kind of a different meaning for both, in my eyes.

And as for the second one... I don't think it really matters. They, he, she... Because I don't really describe the gender of the person answering. It could be anyone-- they're just a voice in the wall. I'll probably keep it as 'they' unless someone can give me an exact example of why this would be very bad.

AND IT IS OKAY TO NAZI.
You're my agent, remember?

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by Holleh on Thu Oct 28, 2010 10:29 pm

Well it's because of the whole adverb vs. adjective thing. I do think 'lying safely' sound a odd as well, but grammatically-wise, it might be more correct. Since, in "lying safe," the verb lying is what is being modified, no? If lying were used as a noun, then safe would make more sense, but because it's a verb, I think safely is what would be correct. I'm not entirely sure, though, just stating my reasoning. xP

Yes, but "they" refers to more than one person. And even though the gender of the person isn't stated, using 'he' or 'she' can give the reader a subtle hint as to what the gender of the person is. Of course, I would probably use "they" as well, but in a technical point of view, it's not really correct. xP

I REMEMBER. 8D
avatar
Holleh
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Female
Number of posts : 4510
Age : 21
Points :
0 / 1000 / 100

Points 2.0 : 4583
Registration date : 2009-03-19

View user profile

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sat Nov 06, 2010 4:56 am

Chapter One

Completed at 2,663 words.

WARNING: Intense language.

The girl ducked at the last possible second, slamming into the ground. Where she had been moments before, gunfire smacked into the wall. They were right on target. Any slower and she would have been dead.

Thank God for reflexes.

Rolling back onto her feet, the girl balanced in a half-crouch, waiting on her toes for the enemy’s next move. One hand hovered above her hip, ready to grab for her weapon when the time came, while the other steadied her on the ground.

This was chaos.

A click sounded to her left and the girl ducked, pitching herself into a roll across the ground. She popped up from in one smooth motion before she was sprinting across concrete. She stopped behind a car, hunkering down behind its front wheel.

“Come out with your hands up! We have you surrounded!” The voice echoed off the building, sounding tinny and unreal. Almost as if this could be a dream. And God, did she wish this was a dream. A buzzing at her waist caught her attention, causing her to grimace. Now was not the time, or place, to talk. Unclipping it, she held the cell phone up to her ear.

“Copy,” she breathed, barely moving her mouth.

“Ryder? You’re okay.”

“Yeah,” she whispered back, “For now.”

“Good. Ryder. Lis--”

She froze, hearing the voice in her ear, but not quite registering what it was saying. “Chief,” she whispered, “Report later.” Moving with exaggerated slowness, she clipped the phone back to her belt, her eyes never leaving the ground in front of her. A single, empty bullet shell lay on the ground. Had someone already been here, used her exact hiding spot?

Picking it up, she rubbed the shell between her fingers, searching for an imprint. There. She peered at it, trying to make out the symbol in the dim light. The small ridges of a bird just taking flight were just visible. A Fey shell. One of her comrades had been here. But where were they now?

A crunch sounded to her right, causing Ryder to pause in her musings. As much as she wished for it to be her friend returning, the sensible side of her argued that it was probably the person who had shot at her earlier.

Another crunch.

Moving slowly, Ryder reached down for her gun. With it settled into its accustomed position, she turned to face the direction of the noise. Nothing would be getting past her untouched.

Waiting, it had always been one of the hardest – and most crucial – things for her. Calling back on her training, she began to count.

One, one-thousand.

Two, one-thousand.

Three, one-thousand.

Four, one-thou—


The person came into view with another crunch, this time accompanied by a glimpse of shadow. They were bulky, carrying a heavily-loaded belt at their waist. They appeared to be trying to be quiet with each step, but it was obvious to her that it wasn’t one of her teammates.

Less than ten feet away from her, the figure stopped. She could get him now. Moving her gun-hand forwards, she took the chance to brace herself, both physically and mentally, before she pulled the trigger back. The faint click seemed to echo across the ground, causing her to grit her teeth. How could she have forgotten about that?

Too late to worry, she threw caution to the wind.

Aiming down the barrel, she focused on the center of the shadow, before drawing the gun slightly up and to the right.

Never forget the wind, Chief’s voice echoed in her mind.

She took a deep breath, letting it out as she squeezed the trigger the rest of the way down and the bullet into the air. Her ears popping from the noise created, Ryder checked the area where the figure had been standing.

There. Moaning and clutching their wound on the ground lay her target. As far as she could tell, her aim had been dead-on. Judging from their moans, her one shot hadn’t been enough to kill them on impact. She knew she should get up, put another bullet into them and finish them before they could radio in backup, but she couldn’t bring herself to.

Let them suffer, just as they would make her.

Tuning out the groans of the wounded, Ryder cleared her mind of all useless thoughts. The most important thing now was to find the others, but she had to avoid detection while doing so. It was going to be hard, but not harder than any other mission she had been on.

The cell buzzed again, almost impatiently.

She picked it up, breathing a “Copy?” into the microphone.

“Ryder, listen. Now.” Worry poured out of the speaker, causing Ryder to frown. Chief was never one to worry. “We’ve been surrounded, like they said. They captured Aly and Reba.”

Almost without thinking, Ryder let out a small gasp. “No.” How could they have been captured, when Aly excelled in night-operations and Reba was one of their most experienced?

“That’s not all. Alex is out of ammo and Bryce hasn’t answered me. Alex is looking for him. I want you to partner up with him.”

Ryder nodded, silent as she absorbed the information and stored it away for later use. “Where is he?” she asked.

“Flag-pole. South entrance,” came the reply.

She barely had time to whisper an affirmation into the phone before Chief closed the line.

- - -

Ryder slid the nose of her gun around the corner, peeking out from behind it when nothing was heard. From what she could see, everything was still. The only thing moving was the American flag, waving the colours lazily above her head. She stepped out from the corner, blue eyes sweeping the shadows. Her movements were smooth, precisely calculated. Her boot steps didn’t echo on the concrete as she slid alongside the building. She stepped away from the wall, ducking under a tree growing close for cover.

“Boo.”

The voice seemed to come out of nowhere, echoing off the brick building behind her. Startled, Ryder swung her gun in an arc, searching for the owner of the voice. Her finger nervously reached for the trigger, but was stopped halfway there.

“Don’t you dare shoot me.” The voice came from her left, freezing her to her spot. It was close, much closer than she would have liked, but familiar in its depth. She turned to peer around the tree trunk, searching the shadows. Not even a foot from her, was a lanky figure.

“Alex?” she breathed, releasing her death-grip on the gun at the sight of him. “God, don’t do that to me. I almost shot you.”

“Almost,” he repeated, one corner of his mouth quirking upwards. “You still got bullets?”

“Yeah, I don’t waste them like others I know.” Rolling her eyes at him, Ryder edged closer to him. He frowned at her comment, which had been pointedly directed at him, but didn’t answer. Uncomfortable with the silence, Ryder shifted uneasily. “So, have you seen Bryce yet?”

He was quiet for a moment, seeming to mull over his words, before he answered, voice quieter and more serious than before. “Yeah, I saw him. I saw him get his ass kicked and captured.” His face hardened, softening as he looked away. “We’re the only two left.”

“And you didn’t help him?” Ryder took a threatening step forwards. “You just watched?” Alex retreated back a step, running into the tree. Holding up her hands to ward off her attack, he shook his head at her.

“No, Ryder. Stop! Jeez, it was too late, okay? Goddamn. Put that thing away.” He pointed a finger at the gun in her hands, which she hadn’t realized she had grabbed.

“Sorry,” she muttered, sheepish as she put it back in its holster. “I didn’t realize I grabbed it.”

“Or that you were getting ready to cock it. And you got that look. But hey, to hell with judging.” She clenched her fists, feeling her face burn as she stood in silence. The air between them was tense, until Alex finally broke it again.

“So, since Bryce has been captured, what are we doing now?”

There was a pause as Ryder sought for an idea. Aware of his eyes on her, she latched onto one after a few seconds of failed thought. “Why don’t we just call Chief?”

“Or we could get the fuck out of here while we’re still alive.” At an irritated look from Ryder, Alex held his hands up, defensive. “Or we could just call Chief. Either works.” With deft fingers, Ryder unclipped her cell and punched in a few buttons to make a triangle on the keypad. Holding it up to her ear, she counted the amount of times it rang before it was picked up.

“Ryder?” The voice was wary, quieter than its usual loud and assertive tone.

“Chief. You okay?”

“Yeah, I’m good. Are you with Alex?” His voice grew lower, to a whisper.

“Yes. We found Bryce. Sort of.” She swallowed hard, knowing by his silence that he was waiting for her answer. “Alex saw him get captured.” Through the phone, she could hear Chief swear under his breath. “He said it was too late. Couldn’t help him.” Besides her, Alex nodded, as if Chief could see him agreeing with her re-telling.

“Ryder. I want you to listen, and to listen good.” She looked over at Alex, giving him a thumbs up: They had their mission. “The others are in a make-shift jail over at the Northern entrance. It’s just a giant police van. It’s heavily guarded – Actually, wait. Is there anyone around you?”

Realizing that she should have been able to answer off the top of her head, Ryder performed a 360° sweep of the area, but came up empty. “We’re clean here,” she told him, still scanning the shadows for anything that she could have missed.

“I thought so. Most of their force is here. I’m near them. Make a distraction so I can get them out. And then get yourself out.”

“Chief,” she protested, “We have nothing here. Only guns. And us. What do--”

He cut her off, “I don’t care what you do. Just do it, and do it now. Over.” The line fell dead, useless in her hand. Moving it back, Ryder looked up at Alex, blowing a strand of hair out of her face that had fallen out of her braid.

“Well, this sucks,” she sighed, knowing he had no idea what she was talking about. He gazed back at her, seemingly calm as he leaned up against the tree. He arched a gingery eyebrow at her, waiting for her to continue. “Chief wants a distraction,” she said in answer to the eyebrow. “Doesn’t care what. Just wants it now.”

“I have it, Rye, I have it.” A wild grin blazed on his face, excitement dancing in his eyes. She gave him an exasperated look, waiting in silence like he had earlier. Watching as she crossed her arms over her chest, he said, “First, give me a damn clip. I ran out, and I feel naked with an empty gun.”

“If someone took the time to aim instead of just firing…” She trailed off, reaching around the back of her belt for two clips. As she handed them to him, she felt compelled to give him a nudge in revealing his idea. “What’s the plan?”

“I’m thinking… This if a fucking risky plan. Shit.” He ran a hand through his red hair, muttering to himself. “It’s the only think we have, anyways. So. We run up, shoot and yell like crazy, and then run like hell.” Ryder was dumb-struck, speechless for a moment.

“That’s it?” she finally asked, an accusatory edge underlining her voice. “That’s your great ‘I-Have-It!’ plan?” A scowl creased her brow. The plan was so simple, so juvenile. She could have come up with it herself – as a last resort.

Alex spread his fingers wide, shrugging. “What else do we have? We’re the only two here! And, in case you hadn’t noticed, we’re not exactly well-equipped.” He paced in front of her, loading his gun as he went.

“Shut up!” Ryder hissed, wary of his yelling. “You’re going to attract attention.”

“That’s what we want, dip-shit.”

She stood for a moment, taken aback by what he had said. “Oh,” she breathed out. Setting her shoulders, she turned to face the Northern entrance. “I’m ready,” she told him, beginning to walk determinedly forward. “So let’s go.”

- - -

The van in sight, Ryder stopped behind Alex. On his small whisper of “Ready?” she cocked her gun, stepping out from behind him and to his side. Exchanging a glance, she nodded at him. She was ready.

“One, one-thousand,” she chanted softly. “Two, one-thousand. Three, one-thousand.”

“Fire!” Alex screamed, standing up from his crouched position. He let lose a string of bullets into the air above the trailer. “Come out with your hands up!” His deep voice rang in her ears, and she had no doubt that the police force would be able to hear it – It echoed across the silent grounds that loudly.

The force came running from the direction of the van. Some dropped down to their knees upon sight of the two and took aim, while others continued running, almost as if they hoped to overtake them.

Aiming into their midst, she braced herself, pulled the trigger down, and let the bullets fly. Two men fell almost instantly, clutching their wounds, while the rest merely nicked flesh. Vaguely, she thought about how she had been getting onto Alex for not taking the time to aim earlier.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Alex dart ahead, drawing gunfire. One man stopped, fumbling for a bull-horn.

“Stop!” he shouted into it, making her wince. “We have the rest of your team. Surrender now, and nobody gets hurt!”

In front of her, Alex paused what he was doing to cackle madly, shouting back, “Like hell we won’t!”

The man paused, almost as though he were afraid of Alex’s unnerving laughter. “Surrender now,” he repeated, not giving up on his tirade. “Surrender or…” As he trailed off, thinking of something to scare them, Alex sunk a bullet into him.

Three down, she thought. Even more to go.

“Alex,” she barked, only slightly reprimanding as she called him back to attention.

He turned to face her with an exasperated look, at the same time beginning to fall. His scream pierced her ears. Knowing there was no time for her to run over and help him, she stood frozen, with gunfire blasting around her.

“Shit,” she heard him groan as he reached out for her. “Shit, shit, shit. Fuck, this hurts.”

More of the cops were up and running towards her now. She fought an inner struggle, between what was right and what was wrong, before she whispered a small “I’m sorry” to Alex and began to run.

She turned her back on him, hearing someone behind her scream “Get her!”

In this situation, as gunfire exploded around her, Ryder couldn’t help but echo one of Alex’s last words to her. “Shit.”

Her running was steady, and she made sure to keep pace with herself and watch her breathing.

In, out. One, two. It was simple.

She scanned ahead, looking for any obstacles that would be in her way. Finding nothing except the upcoming tree and fence, she prepared to turn, already moving her center of gravity to make a clean dodge around the tree.

She didn’t understand what was happening until it was too late. With her eyes squeezed shut, she struggled for the summersault that she had been taught to soften an impact.

She didn’t realize how close she had been to the tree before it smacked her in the forehead. All she saw was the red against her eyelids as she slowly slipped into the safety of her mind.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by Hazel on Sun Nov 07, 2010 7:52 pm

I know y's tend to look cooler than i's but having a Ryder and Bryce and Aly in the same story seems a little overkill........unless Bryce and Aly turn out to be completely irrelevant that is.

Other than I have no idea of what's going on, haha I'd say so far so good. Nothing really jumped out......except. They're being chased by cops right? Unless these are evil cops, they aren't allowed to fire at a fleeing suspect even if she is carrying a gun. Because if they are running away they aren't a threat. They are only allowed to shoot back if she has a gun aimed at them, or someone else etc. So I'm not sure why she would be surrounded by gunfire as she fled.......

Did Alex die!? It sounded that way but I couldn't tell haha.

Anyways, I think it's good, you jumped right into the action which makes it interesting Razz



_________________
Message written with 100 percent more love and care than the leading brand!



Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
avatar
Hazel
Moderator

Female
Number of posts : 11563
Age : 106
Points :
63 / 10063 / 100

Points 2.0 : 10202
Registration date : 2008-04-10

View user profile http://www.nanowrimo.org/eng/user/619558

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by xStarr_x3 on Sun Nov 07, 2010 8:57 pm

...I didn't even notice so many character names have a Y in them.. Oh my god. xD And then if I throw in Chief's real name and Hayden..
Ohwow.

Thank youuuu for reading and pointing everything out. c:

Time to edit again. xD

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
avatar
xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Invincible

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top


 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum