Winter (working title)

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Winter (working title)

Post by bibbit on Sun Jul 04, 2010 6:02 pm

In the dead of night, snowflakes start to fall,
But in my heart, I donít feel the coldness at all.

I lose track of time so easily these days.
I spent most of last month soaking up the sun rays.
See the glow of the snow upon the freezing ground!
Set in place without a trace; it falls without a sound.
The fragile ones wonít make it,
But Iím sure we will be just fine.

I hear shivers all around me;
I see oceans turn to ice;
But you are the warmth that sustains me,
And you will more than just suffice.

So stay close to me when oceans turn to ice,
When frostbite knocks at my door.
Stay close to me, and donít even think twice;
I need you now like never before.

When frigid winds surround me,
Will you be there to bring the sun?
When I lose track of myself,
Can we go back to where we've begun?
Will I be satisfied when
I realize the day is done?

This is a song that I've been working on recording. Criticism and title suggestions would be appreciated. ^^


Last edited by bibbit on Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:50 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Winter (working title)

Post by WritingInsomniac on Mon Jul 05, 2010 5:03 am

nice! favorite lines: "when i lose track of myself can we go back to where we begun?" even though its improper grammar (and i'm willing to let that go which is a huge deal for me) they are really well-written. the whole thing is. i saw that you mentioned it was a song.. the tune would really help just because sometimes the flow seems funny but it could just be the way of the song. Winter is good for title.. i'm the world's worst title thinker upper but... yeah no sorry i've got nothing. i'll keep thinking though.

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Re: Winter (working title)

Post by bibbit on Mon Jul 05, 2010 7:47 pm

ahaha, okay thanks. Yeah I thought about fixing that but it would kill the rhyme, so. maybe I'll think of something. I've been considering revising some of it anyway, so that'll probably get changed eventually.

Edit: okay I fixed it.

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Re: Winter (working title)

Post by WritingInsomniac on Mon Jul 05, 2010 8:21 pm

one suggestion on another read of the song/poem: (super minor but i like to feel like i'm helping Smile )
line: "stay close to me, don't even think twice" change even to ever? i feel pretty good about that. it's not a big change and it works either way.. do whatever you like better just trying to suggest!

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Re: Winter (working title)

Post by bibbit on Mon Jul 05, 2010 9:02 pm

I did think about that before, and decided it sounds good either way. So I may change it or may not; I'll think about it. Thanks. (: you really are being helpful.

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