A Lesson Learned

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A Lesson Learned

Post by bibbit on Thu May 27, 2010 6:46 pm

This is a song that I've been working on. It's kind of short, so I might extend it eventually, in which case I'll either post the rest as a part 2 or I'll just tack it on the end of this one. but anyways.


You stole all the light from my eyes
When you walked in and out of my life.
Whispering your sweet little lies
And stinging me just like a cold knife
In my heart;
A cold knife in my heart.

You didnít have to leave so suddenly...
At least a goodbye
Might get me by.

We were the closest of friends;
We could talk for hours on end.
I donít know what snapped in your mind
To get you to leave me behind.

But now Iíve moved on.
Iíve found another heart to hold.
Write this down as a lesson learned
As far as Iím concerned.

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Re: A Lesson Learned

Post by Holleh on Thu May 27, 2010 10:36 pm

I like it, but not as much as your other one.
Here's why:
The rhyming seemed a little... forced. To me, anyway. And rhyming 'goodbye' with 'by' seemed kind of redundant or whatever, since they both end in the same sound.
The first stanza I really like, but maybe better word choice or something for the rest.
But the message was still conveyed, and that's the most important part, so. ^^

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Re: A Lesson Learned

Post by bibbit on Thu May 27, 2010 11:33 pm

Thank you for the criticism. I didn't spend a whole lot of time on it so I'll probably end up revising it based on your comments.
As far as the rhyming goes, it was designed along with the music I made for it, so the two of them together might make a little more sense. but still. I'll take it into consideration.

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Re: A Lesson Learned

Post by Holleh on Thu May 27, 2010 11:35 pm

Yeah, the music/tempo always make it or break it. Just going off what I had. =P

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