Friends are the Backbone of Life

View previous topic View next topic Go down

Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by BPahl88 on Tue May 25, 2010 7:36 am

Friends Are Our Backbone of Life

When you are in trouble or feeling down,
Friends will pick you up and reverse your frown.
Side-by-side, an inseparable pair,
How much they have in common, and what they share.

But what if all of that turned around,
A full one-eighty and completely drowned.
Unfortunately some friendships end like this,
Not with love, care and bliss.

One cold winter day when school was out,
The snow pounding viciously with a fight about.
Between two buddies, partners, twins,
An eruption erupts, and it begins.

The two argue with anger and force,
It will not end well-- with a divorce.
It then turns physical with slaps and fists,
Punches and kicks, and hits that exist.

Thereís no stopping here; itís all over.
The friendship, the laughter, the game Red Rover.
Nothing is left except an empty heart,
He has left me torn apart.

I cannot bear this any longer.
I have to be brave-- brave and stronger.
I can make this up, whatever I did,
Bring us back together, and seal the lid.

I go up to him, but he wonít forgive,
I take a deep breath, and cry to live.
Friends our the backbone of our life.
But mine has been crushed, with a dagger and knife.

Years from now I will forget about it all,
But I know in my heart that what I saw
Will not go away forever, no sir.
But I must recover from this blur.

Friends are our backbone of life.

<><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><><>

Just a poem I created a minute ago. Very Happy


Last edited by BPahl88 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:08 pm; edited 2 times in total (Reason for editing : My reson or editing? Well, critic! :P)

BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 20
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by xStarr_x3 on Tue May 25, 2010 6:34 pm

Mmkay, just a couple little things that bugged me. xD

"Not with love, caring and bliss."
I think that "caring" should be "care". It flows better there.

"An eruption erupts, and it begins."
The flow is off here. It's also very repetitive. Try changing the second "erupts".

"It will not end well- with a divorce."
Personally, I would have put "well -- with". The one hyphen doesn't have the same effect as the two with a space. It seems more like it was accidentally thrown in there. If you want to stay away with hyphens altogether, "well; with a divorce" would work. Or a comma. Any one of these three ways would work just fine, in my opinion.

"I have to be brave, brave and stronger."
You need another comma after the second "brave". Speaking of the second brave, I would maybe consider replacing it with another word. Yeah, it puts more emphasis on it to repeat it, but I'm still not so sure about it.

Nice poem, by the by.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.

xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by BPahl88 on Tue May 25, 2010 9:53 pm

Thanks. Happy

Suggestion #1- I'm torn on this one. Both of them sound fluent. Both of them make sense I think. I'll change it because I'm sure your right but bith seem to flow. Ahh well. Razz

Suggestion #2- I actually put it that way on purpose. But what could I've put? explodes?

Suggestion #3- Good idea. Wink

Suggestion #4- Yeah. This is the line that i thought about forEVER. I'm not so sure how to change it, so I'm-a-gunna leave it like that for now, but thanks for the concern. Maybe I'm not to hot on comma rules right now (Blame the summer), but why must there be a comma after the second "brave"? Just wondering....

Thanks! Smile

BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 20
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by xStarr_x3 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:02 pm

Suggestion One-- I just say that because I think that either all of it should end with "ing" or none of it should. xD It throws it off a bit to have a combination.

Suggestion Two-- I looked back at it. There isn't much to fix it with. xD It sounds okay, on second reading.

Suggestion Four-- When you make a list, there needs to be a comma after each item. Which includes the word before 'and'.
Examples: "Cats, dogs, and rabbits." "Guitars, ukuleles, and banjos."

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.

xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by BPahl88 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:07 pm

Suggestion #4- Oookay. I see your point. However, I wasn't making it into a series or 3 or more. I now see my mistake- I have to put a hyphan. (Or two FTW! Razz ) Using a comma was.... unnessasary for the matter. Thanks!

BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 20
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by xStarr_x3 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:13 pm

Suggestion Four-- Okay, I see what you did to change it. Let me just quote it here. xD It makes it easier for me to critique sometimes when I type it out.

"I have to be brave-- brave and stronger."

It sounds a bit better now, less repetitive. But it's still off. Maybe try

"I have to be brave-- braver and stronger."

Again, this goes back to my keep all the things the same. It keeps the flow better here. And, again, it doesn't sound as repetitive.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.

xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by BPahl88 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:17 pm

Ahh... good point. Either that or I could chang it to "I have to be brave-- brave and strong." Okayy... thats a toughy.

"I have to be brave-- brave and strong."
"I have to be brave-- braver and stronger."

Hmm... personally, I like the last one, but I'm so glad you pointed out the tense of the verb. Other wise... (Scene of an F-42 plane spiraling down to the ground) Okay, maybe a bit exegerated, but thanks anyways!

Razz

BPahl88
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....
Dang, this user has a lot of posts....

Male
Number of posts : 3342
Age : 20
Points :
100 / 100100 / 100

Points 2.0 : 2196
Registration date : 2008-05-19

View user profile http://writersclubforum.lightbb.com/

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by xStarr_x3 on Tue May 25, 2010 10:29 pm

Both of those sound good.
The repetition in the first one actually flows rather smoothly when you took off the 'er'.
The second one draws the two verbs out to a larger extent, of which traits show up in the stanzas after this.
I'd say that it doesn't matter which one of these you pick, as they'd both go nicely into the poem. You just have to consider their up-sides and down-sides.

_________________
Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.

xStarr_x3
Elite, Supreme, Whiz, Prodigy, Super-Duper World-Class Writer

Female
Number of posts : 7005
Age : 22
Points :
35 / 10035 / 100

Points 2.0 : 5901
Registration date : 2008-05-22

View user profile http://www.freewebs.com/awhisperinthedark

Back to top Go down

Re: Friends are the Backbone of Life

Post by Sponsored content


Sponsored content


Back to top Go down

View previous topic View next topic Back to top

- Similar topics

 
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum