Criminal Investigation

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Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Sun Feb 28, 2010 8:28 pm

Alright here it goes......I want everyone to give me their complete honest opinion on this whatever that may be, it's nearly impossible for me to get offended so please have at it. I'd also like to know if it's in any way a little confusing because I'm writing in 3rd person semi omniscient which is more than one point of view. Um with that said, I'd also like to say that I'll leave each chapter or page up for never any longer than a week, I trust everyone on here but it makes me very uneasy to keep stuff I have posted on here that could be seen or stolen by some random stranger....not that I think really anything I post would be really worth stealing lol, it's just paranoia....anywho, with all that said, here is the beginning. Please be absolutely honest in what you say bout it!


Gone again.....


OH! And one last thing, if you can think of a job that requires physical strength as well as intelligence could you tell me? I'm having the hardest time thinking of something! And I'd prefer if this job was not in law enforcement or in anyway political Razz Thanks!!


Last edited by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 3:43 am; edited 4 times in total

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by HS7 on Mon Mar 01, 2010 1:33 am

Well, how about a bodyguard? They'd have to fight off whatever is about to kill their employer and they need to figure out places to hide and where a criminal could be hiding.

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Mon Mar 01, 2010 7:36 am

Yeah but I'm trying to keep this as realistic as possible and I don't know very many people who need body guards other than the president, and politics come in to play at a huge and different angle so I don't think it would work. And although body guards do need to be smart, the stereotype is usually dumb muscle and I'm looking for the exact opposite here..... but thanks for the suggestion.

I'll post everything I've written up till now because even though I'm afraid no one will read if I write a lot, I know how hard it is to critique really small passages....

READ ABOVE MESSAGE



I'm really looking forwards to advice for this, so if you have any, you know what to do Razz

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by xStarr_x3 on Tue Mar 30, 2010 12:06 am

REPOST! REPOSTTT!
Or I shall spam you? xD Probably not.

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Tue Mar 30, 2010 2:56 am

Ok yes! I'll repost. *screams in excitement that someone wants to read it*

I put up the entire chapter one....it's not that long though, only three pages! I'll post the second later XD

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:16 am

Yeyeyyy.~
Read it.
Okay.. if I had to say anything for critique.. it'd be that you missed some commas. But I'm a HUGE over-user of commas, so don't mind me. xP
If Word didn't catch'em, they're probably fine. x3

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:19 am

Alright, made note to use more commas Razz

Chapter two is really long........XD *hope it still get's read*

.......All gone again


Last edited by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 7:17 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:45 am

Hm. If it were on paper, maybe I'd read all of it. xD
I skimmed near the end, because.. I got a bit bored. e.e;
I understand that these parts are important, yes, but the car-ride didn't really... do anything for the story. Maybe just skip ahead to the safe house? xD

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 12:56 am

Oh Neutral ...Well I guess I could post in smaller increments......
Well the car ride is where everythings explained....guess I could explain things later... scratch
.....do you know how to make things less boring without taking them out?

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by xStarr_x3 on Wed Mar 31, 2010 8:46 pm

Hmm.. Maybe smaller incriments would work. I also believe sometimes that just people talking is interesting. xD When it's easy to follow, that is. xP
I dunno, really.. all stories start slow, though, and build up as they go on. So, you're probably fine. x3

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Holleh likes taking evil slumbers. (and stealing candy from babies.)
She's PREGNANT. With a cow. How..?!
Holleh speaks to herself. In dreams.
HOLLEHS: Now come tree-size!
Holleh talks hotter than the sun. ;o
Holleh is an IN-SPURR-AY-SHUN. Believe it.
She thinks an artichoke is a type of fish.
She also gives lap-dances. To beds.
Holleh can van like a man.
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 8:59 pm

Oh ok, well I figured when I posted 4,000 words at once it wouldn't be all that easy to read especially on a computer screen. Perhaps I can add some more interesting dialogue with the necessary......eh I don't know, I'll think of something.

Yeah I guess I kind of noticed that with most my stories, they start on the slightly slower side and work into something interesting. I guess I'll just see how it goes XD

You're the only one to have read this Razz

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Mar 31, 2010 9:01 pm

This is the first three pages of Chapter three....i'm not sure if it's still slow....maybe....i don't know......

........

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Wed Jun 30, 2010 2:53 pm

aw Sad i wanted to read it! smart idea to take your stuff off after a while though... I should make that a habit as well.
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Jun 30, 2010 5:53 pm

Well if you really would like to read it I'd be happy to repost it. Once no one is interested in reading my things or have already read them I take them off. I could repost my edited versions though....and I have a prologue written now too...and a real title. Ok anyways, just post down here or pm me and I'll repost it Razz

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Wed Jun 30, 2010 6:16 pm

please do a re-post yes! if it's not too much to ask.. not all at once? I like to read but sometimes start to tune out after a while. ha. anyways i'm very excited!
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Wed Jun 30, 2010 10:00 pm

I'll post pieces at a time. I would never post all at once, that's 60 pages haha.







Last edited by Hazel on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:52 am

VERY intriguing.. i look forward to the next section. i would write my questions plot-wise but I trust upcoming sections will answer these, so i'll just give the most minor suggestions anyone has ever given you. for the "well-planned and executed" should there be a well before executed? I read that sentence a few times.. I can't quite pick it out but there's something a bit iffy. maybe consider re-phrasing a bit? not very noticeable, though. it could just be because my sister was talking about molecules and turning music up when I said i didn't like it. (love sisters, don't you?)
if you can believe it.. that may be the only complaint I have! really nice work i look forward to the next section. (oh right - other suggestion which I know you know is to plunk in some place names! definitely always takes me a second to understand what's going on, places would help, but it's obvious that you have that planned.) again, nice work!
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:27 am

Thanks. I'll totally look into it. I didn't really notice so I'll re-read it.
Haha I don't have sisters, but three brothers, so I can almost get what you mean.
Yeah I think I said when I posted it I didn't have the location yet which is why it wasn't added.



Last edited by Hazel on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:36 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Thu Jul 01, 2010 2:21 pm

read the first chapter - loved it. a few really nit-picky grammatical things that i'm gonna skip over. the one thing i think would make this better is to insert just a hint of visual character description? i was thinking of these guys as fairly young when at the end it said "Austin's eyes weren't what they used to be" or something like that. the story totally works without it though, so don't feel you have to add anything.. its a really exciting story which I look forward to finishing! (ps i am going to a cabin with no internet access for a day or two so i wont be able to read the next section for a while if that effects you at all). great writing!
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Thu Jul 01, 2010 5:35 pm

I was told the same thing by another person! Alrighty note to self, physical description. Just so you know for future reference though, Maltby is somewhat of a rookie cop so he's pretty young, but Austin's been in the game a long time so I estimate his age to be in his early 50's.

No worries! I'm camping this weekend too. Whenever you've got time is fine!






Last edited by Hazel on Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:28 am; edited 1 time in total

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Tue Jul 06, 2010 2:49 am

nice! that flew by. again, a few grammatical things - with your ok i would copy and paste it onto my computer and make some editing suggestions? or i could even just copy and paste it into a reply here. only if that's not uncomfortable for you though.. don't want you to think i'm going to steal it and sell it to the publishing big-wigs! otherwise really good, intriguing as always. i'm very intrigued about this Dominic guy and i'm not loving Jonah. (though ever since sawyer on lost i have had a soft spot for con men). really well-written characters though. can't wait for the next part!
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Thu Jul 08, 2010 2:55 am

Copied and pasted into a reply here would be totally fine Razz I totally doubt any publisher would even read through a sentence of this especially since it's a first draft but the idea is certainly appealing!

haha I love Lost. Jonah isn't a very likable character, he's suppose to be that way. I don't like him either, but it's sort of the point. I tried to create complex characters all with different backgrounds and history that makes them the way they are. That also means I'm in their head too much as well. Gotta work on that.
Anyways, I'm glad you like it! Very Happy

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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by WritingInsomniac on Thu Jul 08, 2010 3:18 am

i just have time to do the first section tonight. i'm going to bed early because i'm waking up at the crack of dawn to watch the emmy nominations tomorrow (i'm so cool.. i know). i tried to do most of the corrections in red - a few commas and other such things i just added. oh please this could totally be published! a final draft? i'd buy it. (mostly because i could say i editted part of it Razz but also because it's awesome!). i have read books that are far worse than this. this has plot and good characters. and also yes i wasn't saying i didn't like that i didn't like Jonah (read that a few times. ha) i was stating. i like that i don't like jonah because if i like all the characters than it's boring. it would be like if voldemort knitted on the side and had cats and was really just misunderstood. who wants to read that story? don't change a thing about your characters they are PERFECT so far. anyways. must sleep. (and when i sleep i mean look at posts on here for another half hour and then lay in bed thinking until 1 AM.) anyways thank you for being my catalyst in my addiction for editting. (i have missed it so since english ended) and i will talk to you later! (hopefully the red worked. i couldn't quite figure it out but i'm pretty sure i got it. if not i'll have to edit my edits. ah. i'm in heaven!)
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Re: Criminal Investigation

Post by Hazel on Sat Jul 10, 2010 4:28 am

Hmm I mostly didn't notice those mistakes. I never catch my own mistakes. I just copied and pasted into a word document so I took it off. But I did indeed read it Razz

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