Cursed

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Cursed

Post by Hazel on Thu May 28, 2009 7:20 pm

story taken down


Last edited by Hazel on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:02 pm; edited 2 times in total

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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Re: Cursed

Post by HS7 on Thu May 28, 2009 9:09 pm

*blinks*

Well, your word variation isn't as well in the first bit of each sentence.
The word "I" comes up quite a bit, repeating itself over and over again.When you mentioned the shelf near the begging, you used the same word. Now, using the same words isn't bad, but when you use the closely together, the reader might get a slight pang of annoyance.

Even still, I liked it. I truly wonder what is going to happen.

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Re: Cursed

Post by Hazel on Thu May 28, 2009 9:38 pm

hmmm i didn't notice.....i have yet to go over it so i'll keep that in mind when i do, i agree it does get annoying Razz
Thanks!

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Re: Cursed

Post by Sirch Hanom on Fri May 29, 2009 2:47 am

Grammatically,just use a few more commas and watch out for things like the "Although despite". Nitpickiness.
What dose the librarian look like? Or the shelves? The book was a fine description, but even a little more detail would have been all right. What is the librarian normally like, and are there people around?
Ya know somethin' a-gonna be happenin' wi' dat book, right? The reader knows that after the librarian takes it away. Be a little more subtle in the way you say "this book is gonna do some crazy shibaggen", like when the librarian says "You don't want this book, Finn." That line has been used too much; think of a different way to say it.
Off topic- The 'Fianna' was a group of Irish heroes, and one of them was named Finn McCool. Really. I was just brightened a wee bit to see an old Irish name included in your story.
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Re: Cursed

Post by HS7 on Fri May 29, 2009 2:52 am

*mutters under breath*


Amazingly, he's right. At least something will challenge my brain more than 2b's codes...

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Re: Cursed

Post by Hazel on Fri May 29, 2009 5:24 am

Haha yes I love the name Finn, I think it's cute Razz And thanks for the input it's really helpful, I'll work on it

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Re: Cursed

Post by Hazel on Fri May 29, 2009 10:24 pm

Well I know I have enough to work on with the first page, But I really wanted to post the second page as well just cause I think there is probably a lot wrong with it Razz



..


Last edited by Hazel on Sat Jun 13, 2009 8:01 pm; edited 1 time in total

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Hazel, the pizza eating, hand walking, inconspicuous ninja, who secretly enjoys eating ice cream while singing at the top of her lungs and dancing around like a maniac, has mega cool superpowers in which she will one day save the world that always seems to be in peril. That is her purpose in life.
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Re: Cursed

Post by Hazel on Mon Jun 01, 2009 7:37 am

.

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Re: Cursed

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